Hello my sweet friends...

Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I've last taken time to blog. A lot has transpired, and I've been trying to find my "life-flow," if you will. In case you're wondering (as I've been questioned by several of you), I'm doing quite well. Having to adjust to some things, but doing well, non-the-less.

I've not been around the blog scene, or active on the message boards, lately, as I've been so busy with teaching and running the academy. In all honesty, I've been battling with extreme fatigue. So much so, that once I'm home from work, I've not the energy or drive to think, let alone write or converse for any period of time. The spirit is willing but the flesh...

I went to my oncologist today for my 3-month appointment, and after telling him about my struggles with lack of energy and exhaustion, he decided to do blood-work to rule out thyroid problems. He said that he honestly thinks that this, and other issues, are a result of having had such major surgery only three-months out. We are hoping that's the case. I want to feel awake and alert again. I miss my creative spirit and the energy that flows within that. So, hopefully soon, I will be back to my lively self with my perky inner spirit.

I just want you all to know that I appreciate you so much, and your encouragement over the last several months has meant the world to me. I want so badly to get back in my blogging groove, and to be back in touch with you all. If I only blog a few thoughts or nuggets of encouragement every few days, know that it's only temporary, and I'll be back to my old droning self soon.

Hope all is well with all of you!

XOXO CJ

Almost five weeks after surgery, and...

I feel fantastic!! Everything went well, and I'm doing GREAT! (I was even able to keep one ovary, so I'm thrilled that I have my own hormones and feel "even," if you can understand that.)

I know that I haven't blogged in so very long. The only thing I can say is that I have been spending a lot of time revisiting my expectations of recovery and what I had predetermined to take place in my heart and mind. None of which have happened. Seriously.

What did happen? I had a successful surgery that, for the most part, was uneventful. I spent one night in the hospital, as I was fortunate enough to have the DaVinci robotic surgery. It was minimally invasive, even for a radical hysterectomy (if leaving one ovary is still considered radical). Once the catheter was removed and I could prove that I could "pee-pee" a certain amount, as well as walk the hallways, I was free to go home. Then, my recovery process began.

I walked as much as I could, a little more everyday. I rested when I needed it, and I didn't over-exert myself. (Unless you count my going to work during week two for two days, and finding that it was way too early!) I know, I know. I felt as if I could handle it. Boy, was I wrong. Should have waited at least one more week.

But, overall, my recovery was quite uneventful, restful, and at times, even boring. I was even too bored to eat chocolate. I didn't want to read, write, or watch TV. I just wanted to get back to normal. Or, what I had expected "normal" to be. I wasn't quite sure what that was going to look like.

You see, I had been suffering with female issues since I was seventeen. All my life, it seemed, I have endured pain and discomfort. I was even infertile for eleven years before conceiving our miracle baby girl (who just turned eleven in July). I have been poked, prodded and assaulted with sharp instruments more times than I can count. So, "normal" was an enigma to me.

As I waited for normality, I realized that everything I had expected to happen, emotionally speaking, had not. I had prepared myself to "change." I mean, shouldn't I have? I just had major surgery to remove my "female parts" and I wasn't feeling like a basket case. Why?

I know that this kind of thing is different for every woman who endures it. And, I certainly would never belittle someones personal experience. I know that for many women, just the word hysterectomy can stir up visions of a daunting and frightening life-event. It was that way for me as well. I was scared. I was terrified, actually. But, I have to tell you, I was not prepared for how great I was going to be, after the event.

I honestly expected to experience some deeply profound emotional "something" following my surgery. I've even spent that last few weeks pondering my state of mind and emotions, the lack of which, have left me perplexed. That would explain my lack of posting. I didn't know what to say. Or, I was afraid to say how well everything was going, for fear that things might crumble into an emotional heap of female brokenness. But, that never happened either.

To make a very long story short, I'm well. More than well. I'm happy, healthy, and nearly 100%. I feel better than I have in years, and I've found that I have, intuitively, not looked back, other than to try to understand why I'm not emotionally missing my pieces and parts.

Maybe because I was broken and now I'm fixed. Maybe because the only good they've done for me was give me my little miracle. Maybe because I know that I'm so much better off now. Even though I knew I would be, I was concerned that I would have regrets. Or, that I would have moments of grieving my femininity. After all, don't the parts make the woman? Nonsense! My soul makes me who I am.

I actually feel more beautiful, more energetic, and more feminine than ever. I feel clean and whole (even with parts missing). I feel like me... just much improved. CJ 2.0!

So, now I continue to heal. My surgery a distant memory. I'm not CJ, a woman who had a hysterectomy. I'm just CJ... period. My life is the sum of all of its parts, (no pun intended) having equal play and impartation into my life.

I have a new haircut and new attitude. I no longer expect to be sad at the loss of those things that actually hindered me during times in my life. I look forward with expectancy and joy of a pain-free and energetic life. The best is yet to come!

XOXO CJ

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Yes... I did it all in stilettos! (If only in my mind.)











This was my reality, the first week and a half!
(Thanks, Mirka, for the froggy socks! xoxo)

Tea & Thee

Monday was my youngest daughter's birthday. She turned eleven. Geesh, where does the time go?

We have a family tradition in our home, amongst us gals, to have tea and scones and undisturbed "Momma time," on our birthdays. I've been baking scones and steeping tea for too many years to count now. But, the "Birthday Tea" is by far the most special and looked forward to occasion for taking tea in our house. According to Boo-Bear, I make the best scones and grilled cheese sandwiches in the whole world. (To the left, you'll see a bit of our morning spread.)

It amazes me how my girls transform when they are handling the delicate china cups and vintage creamer and sugar bowls. Conversation almost becomes prissy-fun at first, them deepens to a more profound expression of what is really going on inside of them. Taking tea fosters conversation. I feel bad that I've let my consistent tea-times waver over the last year or so. I must get back to it, as I enjoy it so very much. (Embroidering is another activity that I've allowed to suffer.)

So, there we were, me and my two daughters, enjoying a few stolen moments together. Those moments meant the world. Happy Birthday Boo-Bear! I love you with all of my heart. xoxo

I had my pre-op appointment on Friday. It went well. Nothing really could have been expected otherwise. EKG, chest X-ray, and more blood work were the events of the day. Now, I wait until Tuesday, when I go in for the big one. *Le sigh*

I'm becoming a bit anxious. I'm not sure exactly why, as there was not a certain event or moment that triggered this feeling. It must just be the thought of what's to come. The unknown. What I do know is that I trust God is in control and He has me in the palm of His hand before, during, and after this thing.

I'm still having the irritating need to nest. It drives me batty. Especially when everything we as women do on the home-making end, like dusting, laundry, dishes, etc, is nothing more than an illusion of accomplishment in my point of view. Not a moment after we finish our chore, do we turn around and see that more needs to be done or in my case, redone. Ongoing, recurrent, necessity. Groundhog Day! (The movie.)

I'm also busying myself with a few administrative things, for the academy, that I feel would be best accomplished early so that I'll not need to worry about them during recovery. My schedule is being cut close with in-service beginning on August 17th. I won't be able to lift or over exert myself, but at least I can sit at my desk and delegate. I'm getting pretty good at that.

My hubby has made me chillax during the summer so far. So, I just dabble in work and writing stuff here and there. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for him.

I will certainly try to post before my surgery. But, If I can't get it together enough to do so, know that I'll post as soon as I'm able. Probably at the end of next week. Now, I'm off to make more lists, over-analyze situations, and post various random status updates on my Twitter. (I will Twitter, I'm sure, once I'm home from the hospital. It's an addiction that narcotics can't even break. I may not make much sense, but, how many of us really do?)

Again, your thoughts, prayers, emails, notes, and love are felt and so greatly appreciated. Words cannot express my gratitude.

xoxo CJ

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Going easy and breezy for a while.
But, still ever so stylish. ;-)

A Lady in Waiting to Become A "Hyster Sister"

I'm presently living vicariously through others as I watch "Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood." Tori is struggling to balance career, home-making, motherhood, etc, while looking absolutely gorgeous doing it all. I think I can do that. I am, however, currently wearing my well-worn "pink" (although it's green) t-shirt, sweats with "pink" (although they're blue) across my bumm and flip-flops. I'm not feeling so glamorous at the present. I keep hearing Zsa Zsa Gabor whispering in my ear, "You know, it's much better to look good than to feel good, Daahhlink!" Yeah, yeah, I know. At least my make-up is on and I'm having a good hair day.

I'm having a bit of a sinus funk, and needed antibiotics for it. I have my hysterectomy pre-op appointment on Friday, and cannot be sick or it can risk my surgery date. So, went to the family doc yesterday, and he concluded, as I have, that I've not had the best "go of it" as of late. Note: Shall I remind you of a certain spider-bite situation that caused the postponement of my D&C? Then, the removal of said spider bite, which actually ended up being a sebaceous cyst that had to be cut out, and left to heal without stitches! Yeah! Did I mention this was on my cleavage? Yeah! Then, there was the pathology results of my D&C. Ug! All of this has happened since May. (Oh yeah, did I mention that I found out that I was going to need a hysterectomy on my 23rd anniversary? Yeah! Nothing like saying, "Happy Anniversary, honey! Now, let's go and see the doc about having my uterus taken out, shall we?") *Le sigh*

Anyhoo, I digress. My family doc had recently received the notes from my oncologist, briefing him on what has transpired thus far and what is going to happen from here. We talked a little bit about it all, and he encouraged me that the hysterectomy usually is the treatment for uterine cancer, and with it being so early in it's detection, I should be fine. It's just the middle part from here to there that can be a bit of a challenge.

I've been spending some time on the site "Hyster Sisters." It's been a great encouragement to me to have a place dedicated to women who have walked, or are currently walking, the path to hysterectomy. So many stories. So many different reasons as to why they ended up in this same place as I have. It's wonderful to read the testimonies of others, and know that I'm not alone, even if I feel as though I am.

This journey is not something easy to explain to those who are not on this same path. I have my days where I'm totally fine, and then the next day I may feel frightened. I get embarrassed at times because I think I shouldn't be too concerned, but then, I know it's a big deal. To me, anyway.

Having that site to go to allowed me to see that I'm very normal in my concerns, actions and reactions. For instance, I have this overwhelming urge to "nest" like I did when I was at the end of my pregnancy. I want to be sure that everything is in order and perfect for when I come home. Then I read on the forum how many women who are waiting for their surgery date to approach (we're known as "ladies in waiting") have the same inclination going on. I didn't feel silly anymore.

I think the most difficult phase in all of this is with my hubby. He's been fantastic, but always wants to "fix" things. (As most of you men out there do.) Sometimes, I just need to vent or vocalize my concerns, without being fixed. Sometimes, I just need to be listened too. I guess it's just hard for my husband to see me going through all of this stuff. All of the procedures, the poking and the prodding, the tests, waiting for the results of the tests, etc. It's all a bit much. I know I'd feel really bad for him it it were he who was going through so much, and would want to make it all better as well. But, soon, it will be over and I will be on the mend. Can't wait!

So, now I re-organize my closets, make my lists, plan our meals, etc. while I wait. And, the waiting is the worst part of the deal.

If you know of a lady facing a hysterectomy, or maybe one who has already had the procedure and maybe feels alone, please let her know of the "Hyster Sisters" website. It will do her a world of good.

xoxo CJ

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Ahhhhh! That's more like it.
Zsa Zsa would be so proud!

Getting My Duckies In A Row!

Well, I sure have a lot of catching up to do. I must say that I really appreciate you all being so patient with my slacking posts. I'm going to work very hard to get back to twice weekly, and weave some more writing stuff into them when I've not much to say about health stuff.

Also, the love and support that has been shown to me during this time has blessed me and my family so much! I can't begin to tell you what it means to me. The encouragement and prayers are lifting my spirits and I feel enveloped by your thoughts. Thank you.

Hubby and I had our "tween" camp this past week. So, we had our hands full for several days. Other than that, it's just been fatigue that has been driving me crazy! It's been hard to string coherent thoughts together. In other words, I've been too tired to think!

But, think I must! Tee! Hee!

I met with my Oncologist on June 22nd. We had a very good appointment. (Two and a half hours long!) Along the way, I've been fortunate enough to have been placed with the best of the best when it comes to my medical needs. My Oncologist is no exception. Thank God!

He said there may be the possibility that the cancer spot might have been removed during the D&C! If not, he feels certain he will get everything when I have the surgery. (No pun intended! We all know he'll get EVERYTHING!) Anyhoo, that was very reassuring.

He did say that he doesn't believe that the severe endometriosis and the uterine cancer is related in any way. So, we're trying to take care of two separate issues with this surgery. My procedure is scheduled for July 21st.

I'm much better than I was. I floated around in numbness for a while. Then I had a mini-meltdown. Nothing horrible, just slightly neurotic. Had to have hubby talk me down off the ledge. (Figuratively speaking, of course!) But, after meeting with my oncologist, I feel a lot better. Especially since I'm a candidate for the DaVinci Robotic surgery. My recovery time will be cut in half! I'll only have one night in the hospital, and I'll be able to drive once I'm off narcs. (Just won't be able to lift anything over 5-10 lbs for a while.)

There's something to say about fighting the unknown. It's daunting and scary. Your mind works over-time filling itself with "what-if's" and "how come's" and "why now's?" Although, I never asked "why me?" I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, I guess. I just wanted to be sure that everyone else would be ok, and that everything was in order so that I wouldn't have a bunch of "mess" to clean up when I've recovered. It got overwhelming as we loomed closer and closer to my recovery taking place at the beginning of the school year. But, now that I'm having the DaVinci method, I'll be fully recovered by the time we're back at school. That, alone, alleviated a whole lot of stress for me. And, just being able to sit and talk with my doc helped beyond measure. It's a very good thing to have a doctor who listens. I'm blessed.

So, now I'm getting my duckies in a row, making sure that everything and everyone is taken care of while I recover. I feel like it's the calm before the storm.

I read the most beautiful quote a few weeks ago that served to bless my spirit and calm my soul. I'm not sure where it came from or who wrote it (it may be in a song). But, it was so beautiful, non-the-less.

"Life is not about trying to get through the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My youngest has already learned this lesson. I wish I were more like her!

XOXO CJ










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I'm ready to join her!

Waves of Emotion

It's been a relatively lazy day. I've really needed the reprieve. To say that this past year has been crazy would be an absolute understatement. But, that's fine with me. I function better with deadlines and chaos.

Looking back, I'm so thankful for what I have been afforded. The wonderful opportunity to take directorship of a preschool academy in flux and turn the tide for it. As well as teaching again. That alone has been such a tremendous pleasure. And now, during the beginning of summer break, I sit. Well, not literally. Housekeeping keeps me on my toes. But, when I'm not dusting, doing laundry, etc., I am, however, finding it difficult to relax. I think along the way, I may have forgotten how to.

I'm going to need to learn how to very soon, as my pending hysterectomy will quickly be upon me.

I still find that I'm quite a bit numb at the diagnosis. I mean, I already knew that I was going to have to have a total hysterectomy when they found the complex hyperplasia. That was something I was dutifully coming to terms with. But, when you hear the "C" word, no matter how early the stage or low the grade, it's overwhelming to say the least. I'm hit by the occasional rogue wave of emotion.

I meet with my oncologist a week from today (June 22nd). From there, I imagine, he'll go through the whole process with me and hubby. At this point, I'm honestly not sure what to think or how to act. I just know that this was not what I was expecting.

Initially, I was just going through the motions. You know? Saying all the right things like, "I know I'll be fine." And, "It was found early so there's nothing to worry about." And so on. I do know that I'll be fine, but I still have emotions that are attached to this whole thing. I didn't realize just how detached I was from those feelings until just a few days ago. I don't go around all day focused on this thing called cancer. But, I do find at times that I'm a little bit uneasy about this new challenge.

It would be easy for me to just "suck it up" and deal with it. I tend to do that a lot when challenges arise. But, I think it would be bad, in the long run, if I didn't digest this process. If I didn't embrace whatever could be gleaned from this journey to wellness. It is a big deal. To me, anyway.

My sweet ten year-old has become quite clingy to me as of late. She actually asked to sleep in my bed a few nights as she wanted to just be near me. I had no idea what was going on in her young mind until she began to cry. She said with regard to my surgery, "I don't like that strangers will be handling you, Momma." That broke my heart. Children are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for.

No matter how we reassure them, no matter how much we talk and attempt to soothe, they have their own thought processes. Their own way of dealing with life's "stuff."

I'm usually a just "get 'er dun" type of person. But, I feel I run the risk of floating through the unknown, then being surprised at the outcome, if I negate the process by not giving it the thought and consideration it deserves. (Note: I may be rambling, if so, please disregard.)

Anyhoo, I am at peace. Just a little weary. Fatigue is what I seem to be battling with the most lately. That, and I'm so crampy all of the time. It will be great to have that gone for good!

This is what I'm feeling today. This is where my head is at.

XOXO CJ

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My feet, however, are in a much better state of mind.

New Twists and Turns; Still the Same Road.

Hello friends,

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted. Things have been a bit, shall I say, crazy? Yup!

Since my last post, I've had my preschool's graduation, my daughter's graduation, and I had to have the sebaceous cyst that was located where I had the previous spider bite removed. Three weeks and I'm still healing, but healing nicely. Looks much better than I had expected it would. (Especially since I could not have stitches. It had to heal open, from the inside out.) Yukko!

Thursday, May 28th, I had my D&C. Waited with baited breath for the pathology results. Got them yesterday. The complex hyperplasia with aytpia had, in fact, turned to cancer. But, it's so early in it's change that I'll be fine. Early detection is key! So, now I will have to go to a Gyn. Oncologist for my surgery. He will have to biopsy lymph nodes during the hysterectomy to determine if anything bad has gotten into my blood stream. If so, he'll just take the bad nodes, and all should be well. My doctor has a call into the ocologist. I should be hearing from him today or tomorrow to set up our consultaion, then surgery.

To say that I'm a bit aloof and overwhelmed is a bit of an understatement. I know in my heart that everything will be fine, but, at the same time, I'm a little freaked out. Not terribly, just a minor touch of the "freak." I don't know why. I'm incredibly thankful to God that we found it so early. Six months to a year would have made a terrific difference in what my family and I would be facing. But, the fact that I have this kind of desease in my body really bothers me, deeply. I think it's more mental than anything.

When talking to my hubby about it last evening, I realized that I'm all discombobulated. This was NOT my plan at all. I wanted to just go and have an endometrial ablation, and be done with it. Down for a day, and that would be that. Little did I know back in February, when this whole journey of wellness began, that I would be facing such a different outcome. A much bigger deal with many more steps. But, it's OK. The outcome is what I'm looking forward to.

On a really great note, my precious 10 yr.-old daughter, who just graduated 5th grade, was honored with the "President's Award in Education for Academic Excellence" signed by President Obama! We were totally not expecting that. She also won her school's D.A.R.E. essay writing contest. She was presented with a medal and had to read her essay at the graduation ceremony yesterday. And, if I've not bragged and gushed enough, here's more... she was honored for being in the Honor's Chorus, a tutor of first graders, talent show, and art. She was also chosen, along with three other girls, to sing the "National Anthem."

The big deal is this... she was home-schooled until this year. Fifth grade was her first experience in public school, as I was a home-educator for eight years, having begun when our oldest was in fourth grade. What a blessing! She really went for it, big time! Yay, Boo Bear!

Well, I just had to dote a bit! Thanks for endulging me in that.

I hope all is well with you all! (Keep on writing!)

XOXO CJ

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Hey, it's summer break!