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Monday, June 15, 2009

Waves of Emotion

It's been a relatively lazy day. I've really needed the reprieve. To say that this past year has been crazy would be an absolute understatement. But, that's fine with me. I function better with deadlines and chaos.

Looking back, I'm so thankful for what I have been afforded. The wonderful opportunity to take directorship of a preschool academy in flux and turn the tide for it. As well as teaching again. That alone has been such a tremendous pleasure. And now, during the beginning of summer break, I sit. Well, not literally. Housekeeping keeps me on my toes. But, when I'm not dusting, doing laundry, etc., I am, however, finding it difficult to relax. I think along the way, I may have forgotten how to.

I'm going to need to learn how to very soon, as my pending hysterectomy will quickly be upon me.

I still find that I'm quite a bit numb at the diagnosis. I mean, I already knew that I was going to have to have a total hysterectomy when they found the complex hyperplasia. That was something I was dutifully coming to terms with. But, when you hear the "C" word, no matter how early the stage or low the grade, it's overwhelming to say the least. I'm hit by the occasional rogue wave of emotion.

I meet with my oncologist a week from today (June 22nd). From there, I imagine, he'll go through the whole process with me and hubby. At this point, I'm honestly not sure what to think or how to act. I just know that this was not what I was expecting.

Initially, I was just going through the motions. You know? Saying all the right things like, "I know I'll be fine." And, "It was found early so there's nothing to worry about." And so on. I do know that I'll be fine, but I still have emotions that are attached to this whole thing. I didn't realize just how detached I was from those feelings until just a few days ago. I don't go around all day focused on this thing called cancer. But, I do find at times that I'm a little bit uneasy about this new challenge.

It would be easy for me to just "suck it up" and deal with it. I tend to do that a lot when challenges arise. But, I think it would be bad, in the long run, if I didn't digest this process. If I didn't embrace whatever could be gleaned from this journey to wellness. It is a big deal. To me, anyway.

My sweet ten year-old has become quite clingy to me as of late. She actually asked to sleep in my bed a few nights as she wanted to just be near me. I had no idea what was going on in her young mind until she began to cry. She said with regard to my surgery, "I don't like that strangers will be handling you, Momma." That broke my heart. Children are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for.

No matter how we reassure them, no matter how much we talk and attempt to soothe, they have their own thought processes. Their own way of dealing with life's "stuff."

I'm usually a just "get 'er dun" type of person. But, I feel I run the risk of floating through the unknown, then being surprised at the outcome, if I negate the process by not giving it the thought and consideration it deserves. (Note: I may be rambling, if so, please disregard.)

Anyhoo, I am at peace. Just a little weary. Fatigue is what I seem to be battling with the most lately. That, and I'm so crampy all of the time. It will be great to have that gone for good!

This is what I'm feeling today. This is where my head is at.


Shoe Mood:

My feet, however, are in a much better state of mind.


Rena said...

Big hugs, Cherie. I hope you can let yourself relax a bit. The housework isn't that important right now. You're in my thoughts & prayers.

CJ Raymer said...

Thanks Sweetie!

And, thank you to all of y'all that have been keeping up with me. It really blesses me.


Mandy said...

The part about your daughter made me teary eyed. We try so hard to mask them from all the bad things and forget that no matter how hard we try, they experience it with us. She sounds like she has a heart of gold.

I'm sending healing vibrations your way, sweetie. I'll be thinking of you. Just try to find peace that it was found early and they could do something to remove it. You are a lucky lady in that sense. Keep positive and please update after your appointment next week. xoxoxo

Bish Denham said...

Here they come...whispery soothing waves of peace. Can you feel them? Close your eyes. Breathe in, breathe out. They are all around you.

If you can, do something spontaneous, unexpected, with your daughter. A picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo...

Remember to laugh.

Angela said...

I wanted to check in and see how you're doing. You've been in my thoughts and will continue to be. Hugs!

CJ Raymer said...

Mandy - Thanks so much for your sweet comments. She does have a heart of gold. She's always been a "Momma's Girl," and proud of it. I'm so blessed that it was found early. I've had friends for which that was not the case. I'll certainly update my posts concerning this journey.

Bish - What a sweet friend! Thank you for affording me that soothing moment. xoxo

Angela - MUAH!!

nacherluver said...

When I'm sitting at the computer blogging, CMing and the likes, I can't help but think about you and this new challenge in your life. You always sound so positive and happy despite. It's quite amazing really. For some reason, I never got past the "you" thing to view the family unit.
I'm so glad your daughter verbalized what she was feeling. I'm so glad you have each other through this trying time. Love, understanding, honesty, positivity, you guys are amazing.

CJ Raymer said...

Aw, thank you my dear CM friend! You're so thoughtful and encouraging. I'm incredibly blessed to have friends like you so willing to cheer me on the way you do.

My hope is that one day, I'll be able to physically hug you gals, and thank you in person. Wouldn't that just be so awesome? XOXO

Bish Denham said...

CJ, I've tagged you with a fun tag. One that should bring a little laughter. Play with it, have fun!

Bish Denham said...

Because you deserve another one, I'm passing on to YOU another Kreativ Blogger Award. We will now, both of us, have TWO. Different designs, equally cool. Check out my blog Monday 6/22 for the details.


Mary Witzl said...

I wish you well too and send you my best thoughts. And lucky you, having a daughter who still wants to cuddle up and care for you!

Christina Farley said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking and still praying for you!

Colorado Writer said...

Thinking of you and yours. It will all work out.

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