Waves of Emotion

It's been a relatively lazy day. I've really needed the reprieve. To say that this past year has been crazy would be an absolute understatement. But, that's fine with me. I function better with deadlines and chaos.

Looking back, I'm so thankful for what I have been afforded. The wonderful opportunity to take directorship of a preschool academy in flux and turn the tide for it. As well as teaching again. That alone has been such a tremendous pleasure. And now, during the beginning of summer break, I sit. Well, not literally. Housekeeping keeps me on my toes. But, when I'm not dusting, doing laundry, etc., I am, however, finding it difficult to relax. I think along the way, I may have forgotten how to.

I'm going to need to learn how to very soon, as my pending hysterectomy will quickly be upon me.

I still find that I'm quite a bit numb at the diagnosis. I mean, I already knew that I was going to have to have a total hysterectomy when they found the complex hyperplasia. That was something I was dutifully coming to terms with. But, when you hear the "C" word, no matter how early the stage or low the grade, it's overwhelming to say the least. I'm hit by the occasional rogue wave of emotion.

I meet with my oncologist a week from today (June 22nd). From there, I imagine, he'll go through the whole process with me and hubby. At this point, I'm honestly not sure what to think or how to act. I just know that this was not what I was expecting.

Initially, I was just going through the motions. You know? Saying all the right things like, "I know I'll be fine." And, "It was found early so there's nothing to worry about." And so on. I do know that I'll be fine, but I still have emotions that are attached to this whole thing. I didn't realize just how detached I was from those feelings until just a few days ago. I don't go around all day focused on this thing called cancer. But, I do find at times that I'm a little bit uneasy about this new challenge.

It would be easy for me to just "suck it up" and deal with it. I tend to do that a lot when challenges arise. But, I think it would be bad, in the long run, if I didn't digest this process. If I didn't embrace whatever could be gleaned from this journey to wellness. It is a big deal. To me, anyway.

My sweet ten year-old has become quite clingy to me as of late. She actually asked to sleep in my bed a few nights as she wanted to just be near me. I had no idea what was going on in her young mind until she began to cry. She said with regard to my surgery, "I don't like that strangers will be handling you, Momma." That broke my heart. Children are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for.

No matter how we reassure them, no matter how much we talk and attempt to soothe, they have their own thought processes. Their own way of dealing with life's "stuff."

I'm usually a just "get 'er dun" type of person. But, I feel I run the risk of floating through the unknown, then being surprised at the outcome, if I negate the process by not giving it the thought and consideration it deserves. (Note: I may be rambling, if so, please disregard.)

Anyhoo, I am at peace. Just a little weary. Fatigue is what I seem to be battling with the most lately. That, and I'm so crampy all of the time. It will be great to have that gone for good!

This is what I'm feeling today. This is where my head is at.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:







My feet, however, are in a much better state of mind.