Counting the Cost of Taking a Risk

Presently, I'm enjoying a rare and totally self-indulgent day to myself, afforded to me by the always hoped for, sometimes prayed for, ever welcomed event called the "snow-day."

Being that I work in a preschool, when the upper grades in the district have a call for a delay, we have the day off. I was really hoping for this one, and I got it... YAY!

I don't want you to think that I don't absolutely love my job... I do! It's just that I've had so much activity in my life, that I desperately needed some me-time. Today is "Me O'Clock!"

So, I plumped up my pillows, grabbed my current non-fiction read, a cup of coffee, covered up with my warm, cozy quilts and simply enjoyed the morning. Then the time came to take my 11 yr-old to school, shovel the drive, and sit down to catch up on my blog. So, here I am. The laundry can wait.

On the writing front, I've not gotten very far with my current revisions. (Are you honestly shocked by this? I think not.) However, I'm slowly, but surely, poking along. I'm trying to decide a few things about direction. I'm rethinking some advice an agent gave me. Yet, I'm not so sure that I want to go in that direction. I have to decide if I'm honestly willing to change the "bones" that much. It would be a major change in my character. Actually, it would change a lot. Who am I kidding? Only the names would stay the same. Well, the premise would be the same, I guess.

I'm just trying to decide before I get too far in my fourth revision. Do I want to keep my original intent and stick with it through "hell or high water?" Or, do I take the advice and do a rewrite to make the whole thing more "marketable" to a different age group? This has been my inner debate for over a year. Same premise, different time frame in the life of my main character. Crap!

Up to this point, I've been somewhat stubborn and inflexible. Well, not totally inflexible. I did one rewrite with a flavor of the suggested changes incorporated. But, it wasn't ultimately the total transformation that may have worked. Or, would it?

I'm quite the purest at times, to a fault. I think that many of us as writers are. We have our moment of brilliant inspiration. We free write until our fingers bleed. We research and rewrite. We revise, revise, revise, revise... We believe in what we are saying to the point that we refuse to compromise our characters and who we see them as. We know them, intimately. We gave them life. They are real. Then, we are faced with the thought of changing them. These characters are created from the depths of our being. We bought into them. We believed in them and what they had to say.

Then, when we are presented with other thoughts and directions, we have a decision to make. Do we remain pure and faithful to our initial inspiration and consequent plot-line? Or, do we take the input, and break-down our character to mere shadows of their original self? That is the question. Will they end up a Frankenstein or will it be a beautiful rebirth of someone we loved?

It's a gamble. But, isn't that what this industry is? One big fat gamble? Some writers are fortunate enough to roll the right combination. Others are not so lucky. Either way, there's no winning without the risk. I just have to decide how much risk I'm willing to take. My decision means the difference between a mere revision (I say that "tongue in cheek") and a complete rewrite.

Hmmmmm... I'll have to get back with you all on this one.

xoxo CJ

P.S. "High stakes yield high success." - Donald Maass

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Enjoying it while it lasts!

Hellooooooo out there...

Well, it's only been in November since I've last posted. SHAME!!!! LOL!

Let me update you guys on the latest...

I'm feeling FABULOUS! Seriously! I feel really good.

I was out of sorts for a while. Had a bit of surgical shock and fatigue that was bringing me down. When I wasn't working, I didn't have the energy to blog, or work on any writing endeavors. I had to take some time to truly regenerate myself. (Being a preschool teacher and academy director can run you ragged!) I used all of my energy for work, and was empty when I got home. I did begin another blog about "Cottage Life," if that interests any of you. It's sparse as well, because it too suffered at the hand of fatigue and want of energy. But, I love it. It's another creative outlet for me. It's about "creating home" as I like to say. Check it out, if you would like. It will be updated soon, as well.

But, now I'm feeling much better and ready to take on the responsibility for what I want to happen in my writing life.

I've begun my fourth revision of my manuscript. (Don't get too excited, as I'm only on page six.) Well, at least I've started. And, I've re-enrolled in my old writing classes to keep me accountable, and dust myself off.

I hope all has been going well for you, my dear friends. I'll be returning to your blogs as well, as I've missed you guys very much!

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anais Nin

xoxo CJ

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I'm feeling schnazzaaaaay!

Hello my sweet friends...

Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I've last taken time to blog. A lot has transpired, and I've been trying to find my "life-flow," if you will. In case you're wondering (as I've been questioned by several of you), I'm doing quite well. Having to adjust to some things, but doing well, non-the-less.

I've not been around the blog scene, or active on the message boards, lately, as I've been so busy with teaching and running the academy. In all honesty, I've been battling with extreme fatigue. So much so, that once I'm home from work, I've not the energy or drive to think, let alone write or converse for any period of time. The spirit is willing but the flesh...

I went to my oncologist today for my 3-month appointment, and after telling him about my struggles with lack of energy and exhaustion, he decided to do blood-work to rule out thyroid problems. He said that he honestly thinks that this, and other issues, are a result of having had such major surgery only three-months out. We are hoping that's the case. I want to feel awake and alert again. I miss my creative spirit and the energy that flows within that. So, hopefully soon, I will be back to my lively self with my perky inner spirit.

I just want you all to know that I appreciate you so much, and your encouragement over the last several months has meant the world to me. I want so badly to get back in my blogging groove, and to be back in touch with you all. If I only blog a few thoughts or nuggets of encouragement every few days, know that it's only temporary, and I'll be back to my old droning self soon.

Hope all is well with all of you!

XOXO CJ

Almost five weeks after surgery, and...

I feel fantastic!! Everything went well, and I'm doing GREAT! (I was even able to keep one ovary, so I'm thrilled that I have my own hormones and feel "even," if you can understand that.)

I know that I haven't blogged in so very long. The only thing I can say is that I have been spending a lot of time revisiting my expectations of recovery and what I had predetermined to take place in my heart and mind. None of which have happened. Seriously.

What did happen? I had a successful surgery that, for the most part, was uneventful. I spent one night in the hospital, as I was fortunate enough to have the DaVinci robotic surgery. It was minimally invasive, even for a radical hysterectomy (if leaving one ovary is still considered radical). Once the catheter was removed and I could prove that I could "pee-pee" a certain amount, as well as walk the hallways, I was free to go home. Then, my recovery process began.

I walked as much as I could, a little more everyday. I rested when I needed it, and I didn't over-exert myself. (Unless you count my going to work during week two for two days, and finding that it was way too early!) I know, I know. I felt as if I could handle it. Boy, was I wrong. Should have waited at least one more week.

But, overall, my recovery was quite uneventful, restful, and at times, even boring. I was even too bored to eat chocolate. I didn't want to read, write, or watch TV. I just wanted to get back to normal. Or, what I had expected "normal" to be. I wasn't quite sure what that was going to look like.

You see, I had been suffering with female issues since I was seventeen. All my life, it seemed, I have endured pain and discomfort. I was even infertile for eleven years before conceiving our miracle baby girl (who just turned eleven in July). I have been poked, prodded and assaulted with sharp instruments more times than I can count. So, "normal" was an enigma to me.

As I waited for normality, I realized that everything I had expected to happen, emotionally speaking, had not. I had prepared myself to "change." I mean, shouldn't I have? I just had major surgery to remove my "female parts" and I wasn't feeling like a basket case. Why?

I know that this kind of thing is different for every woman who endures it. And, I certainly would never belittle someones personal experience. I know that for many women, just the word hysterectomy can stir up visions of a daunting and frightening life-event. It was that way for me as well. I was scared. I was terrified, actually. But, I have to tell you, I was not prepared for how great I was going to be, after the event.

I honestly expected to experience some deeply profound emotional "something" following my surgery. I've even spent that last few weeks pondering my state of mind and emotions, the lack of which, have left me perplexed. That would explain my lack of posting. I didn't know what to say. Or, I was afraid to say how well everything was going, for fear that things might crumble into an emotional heap of female brokenness. But, that never happened either.

To make a very long story short, I'm well. More than well. I'm happy, healthy, and nearly 100%. I feel better than I have in years, and I've found that I have, intuitively, not looked back, other than to try to understand why I'm not emotionally missing my pieces and parts.

Maybe because I was broken and now I'm fixed. Maybe because the only good they've done for me was give me my little miracle. Maybe because I know that I'm so much better off now. Even though I knew I would be, I was concerned that I would have regrets. Or, that I would have moments of grieving my femininity. After all, don't the parts make the woman? Nonsense! My soul makes me who I am.

I actually feel more beautiful, more energetic, and more feminine than ever. I feel clean and whole (even with parts missing). I feel like me... just much improved. CJ 2.0!

So, now I continue to heal. My surgery a distant memory. I'm not CJ, a woman who had a hysterectomy. I'm just CJ... period. My life is the sum of all of its parts, (no pun intended) having equal play and impartation into my life.

I have a new haircut and new attitude. I no longer expect to be sad at the loss of those things that actually hindered me during times in my life. I look forward with expectancy and joy of a pain-free and energetic life. The best is yet to come!

XOXO CJ

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Yes... I did it all in stilettos! (If only in my mind.)











This was my reality, the first week and a half!
(Thanks, Mirka, for the froggy socks! xoxo)

Tea & Thee

Monday was my youngest daughter's birthday. She turned eleven. Geesh, where does the time go?

We have a family tradition in our home, amongst us gals, to have tea and scones and undisturbed "Momma time," on our birthdays. I've been baking scones and steeping tea for too many years to count now. But, the "Birthday Tea" is by far the most special and looked forward to occasion for taking tea in our house. According to Boo-Bear, I make the best scones and grilled cheese sandwiches in the whole world. (To the left, you'll see a bit of our morning spread.)

It amazes me how my girls transform when they are handling the delicate china cups and vintage creamer and sugar bowls. Conversation almost becomes prissy-fun at first, them deepens to a more profound expression of what is really going on inside of them. Taking tea fosters conversation. I feel bad that I've let my consistent tea-times waver over the last year or so. I must get back to it, as I enjoy it so very much. (Embroidering is another activity that I've allowed to suffer.)

So, there we were, me and my two daughters, enjoying a few stolen moments together. Those moments meant the world. Happy Birthday Boo-Bear! I love you with all of my heart. xoxo

I had my pre-op appointment on Friday. It went well. Nothing really could have been expected otherwise. EKG, chest X-ray, and more blood work were the events of the day. Now, I wait until Tuesday, when I go in for the big one. *Le sigh*

I'm becoming a bit anxious. I'm not sure exactly why, as there was not a certain event or moment that triggered this feeling. It must just be the thought of what's to come. The unknown. What I do know is that I trust God is in control and He has me in the palm of His hand before, during, and after this thing.

I'm still having the irritating need to nest. It drives me batty. Especially when everything we as women do on the home-making end, like dusting, laundry, dishes, etc, is nothing more than an illusion of accomplishment in my point of view. Not a moment after we finish our chore, do we turn around and see that more needs to be done or in my case, redone. Ongoing, recurrent, necessity. Groundhog Day! (The movie.)

I'm also busying myself with a few administrative things, for the academy, that I feel would be best accomplished early so that I'll not need to worry about them during recovery. My schedule is being cut close with in-service beginning on August 17th. I won't be able to lift or over exert myself, but at least I can sit at my desk and delegate. I'm getting pretty good at that.

My hubby has made me chillax during the summer so far. So, I just dabble in work and writing stuff here and there. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for him.

I will certainly try to post before my surgery. But, If I can't get it together enough to do so, know that I'll post as soon as I'm able. Probably at the end of next week. Now, I'm off to make more lists, over-analyze situations, and post various random status updates on my Twitter. (I will Twitter, I'm sure, once I'm home from the hospital. It's an addiction that narcotics can't even break. I may not make much sense, but, how many of us really do?)

Again, your thoughts, prayers, emails, notes, and love are felt and so greatly appreciated. Words cannot express my gratitude.

xoxo CJ

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Going easy and breezy for a while.
But, still ever so stylish. ;-)

A Lady in Waiting to Become A "Hyster Sister"

I'm presently living vicariously through others as I watch "Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood." Tori is struggling to balance career, home-making, motherhood, etc, while looking absolutely gorgeous doing it all. I think I can do that. I am, however, currently wearing my well-worn "pink" (although it's green) t-shirt, sweats with "pink" (although they're blue) across my bumm and flip-flops. I'm not feeling so glamorous at the present. I keep hearing Zsa Zsa Gabor whispering in my ear, "You know, it's much better to look good than to feel good, Daahhlink!" Yeah, yeah, I know. At least my make-up is on and I'm having a good hair day.

I'm having a bit of a sinus funk, and needed antibiotics for it. I have my hysterectomy pre-op appointment on Friday, and cannot be sick or it can risk my surgery date. So, went to the family doc yesterday, and he concluded, as I have, that I've not had the best "go of it" as of late. Note: Shall I remind you of a certain spider-bite situation that caused the postponement of my D&C? Then, the removal of said spider bite, which actually ended up being a sebaceous cyst that had to be cut out, and left to heal without stitches! Yeah! Did I mention this was on my cleavage? Yeah! Then, there was the pathology results of my D&C. Ug! All of this has happened since May. (Oh yeah, did I mention that I found out that I was going to need a hysterectomy on my 23rd anniversary? Yeah! Nothing like saying, "Happy Anniversary, honey! Now, let's go and see the doc about having my uterus taken out, shall we?") *Le sigh*

Anyhoo, I digress. My family doc had recently received the notes from my oncologist, briefing him on what has transpired thus far and what is going to happen from here. We talked a little bit about it all, and he encouraged me that the hysterectomy usually is the treatment for uterine cancer, and with it being so early in it's detection, I should be fine. It's just the middle part from here to there that can be a bit of a challenge.

I've been spending some time on the site "Hyster Sisters." It's been a great encouragement to me to have a place dedicated to women who have walked, or are currently walking, the path to hysterectomy. So many stories. So many different reasons as to why they ended up in this same place as I have. It's wonderful to read the testimonies of others, and know that I'm not alone, even if I feel as though I am.

This journey is not something easy to explain to those who are not on this same path. I have my days where I'm totally fine, and then the next day I may feel frightened. I get embarrassed at times because I think I shouldn't be too concerned, but then, I know it's a big deal. To me, anyway.

Having that site to go to allowed me to see that I'm very normal in my concerns, actions and reactions. For instance, I have this overwhelming urge to "nest" like I did when I was at the end of my pregnancy. I want to be sure that everything is in order and perfect for when I come home. Then I read on the forum how many women who are waiting for their surgery date to approach (we're known as "ladies in waiting") have the same inclination going on. I didn't feel silly anymore.

I think the most difficult phase in all of this is with my hubby. He's been fantastic, but always wants to "fix" things. (As most of you men out there do.) Sometimes, I just need to vent or vocalize my concerns, without being fixed. Sometimes, I just need to be listened too. I guess it's just hard for my husband to see me going through all of this stuff. All of the procedures, the poking and the prodding, the tests, waiting for the results of the tests, etc. It's all a bit much. I know I'd feel really bad for him it it were he who was going through so much, and would want to make it all better as well. But, soon, it will be over and I will be on the mend. Can't wait!

So, now I re-organize my closets, make my lists, plan our meals, etc. while I wait. And, the waiting is the worst part of the deal.

If you know of a lady facing a hysterectomy, or maybe one who has already had the procedure and maybe feels alone, please let her know of the "Hyster Sisters" website. It will do her a world of good.

xoxo CJ

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Ahhhhh! That's more like it.
Zsa Zsa would be so proud!

Getting My Duckies In A Row!

Well, I sure have a lot of catching up to do. I must say that I really appreciate you all being so patient with my slacking posts. I'm going to work very hard to get back to twice weekly, and weave some more writing stuff into them when I've not much to say about health stuff.

Also, the love and support that has been shown to me during this time has blessed me and my family so much! I can't begin to tell you what it means to me. The encouragement and prayers are lifting my spirits and I feel enveloped by your thoughts. Thank you.

Hubby and I had our "tween" camp this past week. So, we had our hands full for several days. Other than that, it's just been fatigue that has been driving me crazy! It's been hard to string coherent thoughts together. In other words, I've been too tired to think!

But, think I must! Tee! Hee!

I met with my Oncologist on June 22nd. We had a very good appointment. (Two and a half hours long!) Along the way, I've been fortunate enough to have been placed with the best of the best when it comes to my medical needs. My Oncologist is no exception. Thank God!

He said there may be the possibility that the cancer spot might have been removed during the D&C! If not, he feels certain he will get everything when I have the surgery. (No pun intended! We all know he'll get EVERYTHING!) Anyhoo, that was very reassuring.

He did say that he doesn't believe that the severe endometriosis and the uterine cancer is related in any way. So, we're trying to take care of two separate issues with this surgery. My procedure is scheduled for July 21st.

I'm much better than I was. I floated around in numbness for a while. Then I had a mini-meltdown. Nothing horrible, just slightly neurotic. Had to have hubby talk me down off the ledge. (Figuratively speaking, of course!) But, after meeting with my oncologist, I feel a lot better. Especially since I'm a candidate for the DaVinci Robotic surgery. My recovery time will be cut in half! I'll only have one night in the hospital, and I'll be able to drive once I'm off narcs. (Just won't be able to lift anything over 5-10 lbs for a while.)

There's something to say about fighting the unknown. It's daunting and scary. Your mind works over-time filling itself with "what-if's" and "how come's" and "why now's?" Although, I never asked "why me?" I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, I guess. I just wanted to be sure that everyone else would be ok, and that everything was in order so that I wouldn't have a bunch of "mess" to clean up when I've recovered. It got overwhelming as we loomed closer and closer to my recovery taking place at the beginning of the school year. But, now that I'm having the DaVinci method, I'll be fully recovered by the time we're back at school. That, alone, alleviated a whole lot of stress for me. And, just being able to sit and talk with my doc helped beyond measure. It's a very good thing to have a doctor who listens. I'm blessed.

So, now I'm getting my duckies in a row, making sure that everything and everyone is taken care of while I recover. I feel like it's the calm before the storm.

I read the most beautiful quote a few weeks ago that served to bless my spirit and calm my soul. I'm not sure where it came from or who wrote it (it may be in a song). But, it was so beautiful, non-the-less.

"Life is not about trying to get through the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My youngest has already learned this lesson. I wish I were more like her!

XOXO CJ










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I'm ready to join her!