Courting the Muse

Something Beautiful Is Happening...

2011-11-02T09:46:00.006-04:00

At the close of 2010, I created a beautiful "Vision Board." Well, before our move back home to Florida, I hastily disposed of it (Ughhhh!) and have regretted it ever since. That makes two that I've now lost.

So the other day, my dear friend and I spread out over my dining room table our craft supplies, magazines, baubles and shells, as well as whatever else we thought we may need, and created new ones for our lives. (I highly encourage this. As personal as a dream/vision board is, sometimes it's a wonderful thing to share the creation of it with someone close to you who "gets" you, and encourages you in your life's aspirations.)

So, over mimosas, cuban sandwiches, and great conversation, we meticulously pieced together the hopeful stories of our lives to come. There will be additional ones, as well.

My new one, was done in text only.

It's full of sayings and words that capture the essence of what I see. Daily affirmations and the bold print that speaks so well to me. The next will be pictorial in nature.

I had someone ask me what a "Dream Board" was. So, I figured I'd repost my original blog entry on the subject from back in November, to bring clarity to what I believe these boards to be about.

The following is my post from November 2010:

The other day, I made myself a new "Vision Board." Most of you would know what I mean by that... a "dream" board where you adhere pics of things you're working towards in your life, inspirational quotes that fuel your energy to get there, as well as other bits and pieces that symbolize your life journey and where you would like to end up at a certain time frame in your life. I like to call them "focus triggers" that help me stay on track with my life goals.

I had another "Vision Board" some years ago, and lost it during one of the many moves we've made. I had folded it and placed it in a treasured journal, that obviously, was lost as well. (I still grieve over that lost journal to this day.) For some strange reason, I never made a new one. But, upon looking back on what I can remember about that particular board (it was actually a piece of paper where I had pasted and taped these "focus triggers") I realized something, I had actually seen it all come to pass. Every single thing that I had placed on that board happened. They weren't only dreams for myself, but for those of my family.

Now, mind you, I'm not a "name and claim it" kind of gal, and I'm fully aware of the foolishness that can transpire when individuals look to this process to be nothing more than trying to hit the "jack-pot" of life, and miss the whole point. There's so much more to it than getting what you want materialistically. Certainly, there can be those benefits. But, the over-reaching blessing of it all is to have a sense of fulfillment in the act of becoming all that you were created to be. Also, being a person of Christian faith, I do believe in, "writing down the vision and making it clear so that those who see it, can run with it and will know how things will turn out...," Habakkuk 2:2-3. ( I've paraphrased a bit, but you get the understanding.)

There's something to be said for focus and predetermination... an advanced resolve for our lives, if you will. It's a very spiritual process. It can serve to keep us focused on the very best parts of who we are. Tapping in to the creative spirit that we have all been blessed with in one arena or another.

It's also and endeavor to find out who we really are. What really makes us "tick." When I sat down to make my new board, I dug deep within myself to find what it was that excites me, what inspires me, what drives me. I needed to determine what motivated me to take the steps needed to become who I want to be. Some things spoke to my future, while others speak to me in the now. I needed things that would encourage me when I'm being challenged by self and others to reach my goals, or when I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. I needed to have something that would remind me of who I really am and why I do what I do. And, when I'm not being the best of myself, an encouragement to return to "me."

I guess I've said all this to serve as an inspiration to anyone who reads this to think about who they really are and what they'd like to see develop in their lives as we enter this new year. What we're willing to settle for and what is not going to be compromised. As Martha Stewart would say, "It's a good thing."

Let me know if you've decided to make a "Vision Board." I'd love to hear about your process and how it may have changed your idea about your future, or re-awakened you to your real self.

xoxo CJ

"Our aspirations are our possibilities." - Samuel Johnson 1709-1784

Wet Jeans & Sandy Feet

2011-10-27T17:47:00.004-04:00

"Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again." Daphne Du Maurier's "Rebecca."

Longing. Heart-breaking, gut-wrenching longing. I remember that feeling.

Mine was not of a homestead or family estate. It was of the ocean. Salty air, sand between my toes, and the high-pitched screeching of sea birds. It was of the thunderous roar of the waves crashing and spitting up upon the shore the remains of beautiful shelled creatures, whose armor was of no consequence to the awesome power of the deep.

It was of long walks filled with inspiring sights and peace-inducing breezes.

Today, I had those experiences, once again. In the midst of all of life's challenges and trying situations, I was able to decompress for a while and once again, appreciate the miracles of the moment.

I don't know if I coined the phrase, "returning to self," as I've used it on a number of occasions in my journey of a writer's life. But, today, I did. I truly feel as though I've reconnected to my self in a way that I've not felt possible in some time.

It may have to do with heading out early in the morning to watch the schools of dolphin swim by and frolic in the waves. Or observing the hawks dive into the surf and come up with a catch. Or, seeing the surfers wait patiently for the right moment to catch the wave. So many beautiful moments that serve to refresh and re-energize me in the midst of chaos and unnerving transition.

Things just don't seem to take their toll on me as much since I've returned home. I feel more resilient.

I have my moments. But, they are fewer and farther in between.

I suppose I needed this transition to get me to the place that I long to be in my writing. Baby steps, once again.

I meet my muse there at the ocean's edge. I hear her most clearly when I take the time to walk to the sand and let my vulnerability call to her. I say "vulnerability" because I'm never so alone and raw as when I go there. No make-up, no power-dressing, no masks. I'm just "me." It's so freeing. I let others walk passed and see me for who I really am. They are "raw" and real as well.

It's so refreshing. No one is there to out shine another. They're all just doing their thing, and thinking their thoughts, and processing their lives in a very simplistic way. No judgement, no competition, just living the "Salt Life."

I suppose that's why hikers hike, and bikers bike, and sailors sail, etc. It keeps us in awe of something and someone so much greater than ourselves. Nature in it's purest sense keeps us humble and very aware of our "humanness." It washes our soul.

And, it's from the soul with which we write. Pure and unaffected, if we allow it.

I also have a supportive family who believes in what I dream to do. And it is they, my husband, in particular, who has encouraged me to press in and begin to write again. Having others who believe in your talent is a priceless gift. And, I'm so thankful to have those, who when I've nearly thrown in the towel and admitted defeat, come to my rescue at the eleventh hour, and encourage me to push on.

So, here I am, again. And, that's OK. It doesn't matter how many times I try and fail. It's the time that I try and succeed that matters in the long run.

xoxo,

I've Come Home

2011-10-23T20:09:00.008-04:00

Yes, I know. I'm fully aware that I've basically fallen off the face of the earth for the past nine months. I don't even know where to begin other than to say that my family and I have taken drastic measures to change our life-flow this year.

The truth is that, after 21 years in a certain vocation, my dear hubby and I decided that it was time for him to retire from that profession and move from the frigid tundra of the north-east region, back to southern coastal-living in our beautiful hometown in Florida. We desired to begin a new chapter of our life where we considered to be "home."

It was hectic, scary, daunting, exhausting, and down-right insane, but, we did it.

We are still adapting to all of the changes. Working different jobs, re-acclimating after being away for nine years, but, reveling in the peace that we know we made the right decision, as hard as it was. We loved our life and friends up north. But, we knew we needed a life-change.

Needless to say, during all of this chaos, I've not written a thing... seriously. Not a thing.

That's been one of the hardest issues for me to deal with. Having identified with being a "writer" for so long, and now, not writing at all for almost one year, has wreaked havoc with my mind and creative process.

I've wondered, at times, if I might have forgotten my muse during the move. Maybe she had wandered away during a pit stop in Virginia, or strayed and gotten lost somewhere between point A and point B. I've even thought she may have accidently fallen into a box labeled "Good Will," and was donated to charity before the move.

No, none of that is true. I bumped into her the other day while going through some old books and journals. She has just been patiently waiting for her turn to speak. I've found that she has been graciously sitting behind me as I've struggled to make sense of my new "everything." She hasn't wished to pull on me when I didn't have the time, energy or attention to give her. She's been very understanding. I appreciate that.

So, today while I was at the water's edge, sorting through shells and watching the birds dive into the waves, she walked up beside me and gently whispered in my ear.

"It's time," she said.

Deeply, I breathed in the cool salty air, and whispered back, "I know."

It's not going to be the same as before. I'm not actually sure what it all will look like as far as this blog is concerned. I'm just starting over, again. I'm learning to be a writer, again. I'm on a journey, again. And, that's fine with me. I'm just blessed to be in the process, and to share with whomever is interested.

Simply stated, I'm home... in more ways than one.

Shoe Mood:

Home is where shoes aren't required! ;-)

Panning for Gold

2011-01-07T10:40:00.008-05:00

It's freezing, flippin' cold out there! But, at least we had a snow-day today. Yay! Love an unexpected long weekend.

I've been spending a lot of time wrestling with myself. I have the part of me that likes to have everything planned, and the part that prefers to "go with the flow." Going with the flow is winning out at the moment.

You see, I prefer to be an organic writer, which simply means that I don’t plan too much before I begin. I know where I want to go, and how I’m going to get there, but the details of it all are left to happen by osmosis. I find that I work much better that way.

I do, however, make what I call, “vision files.”

I take a file folder and paste pictures of what I imagine my characters might look like or the homes in which they may live, etc. I also throw into that file any dialogue that I may have written, or snapshots of plots or scenes. Anything I write that I think may fit into my story line, I cram into that file. But, as far as outlining, I stink at that. I feel too confined, if that makes any sense. I wish I could do that… outline. I have tried it, but I never, ever stick to it. And, I find that I can’t flow free in my thought process if I have to “stick to the rules.” (As I've said before, my creative muse gets her butt kicked by my editorial diva. And, that restricts me a bit.) So, my vision files are my organizational tool, for the time being, anyway.

I revise as I go along. I finish a portion of work, then I go back and reexamine, reassess, and modify whatever I feel may need it. Then, I go onto the next segment of work, write fresh, then I start the procedure all over again. It’s a long, arduous process, but one that works for me.

Might I change? Maybe. But, currently, I like the feeling of discovery that I get as I journey along with my characters. As long as I have the bones of the story, the flesh can be applied along the way.

I'm thinking, however, about expanding my writing endeavors to non-fiction. Then, my organizational process will have to change. I'm not yet sure what I would like to pursue as far as topic matter for articles or what have you. As a typical writer, I have many ideas. Just need to pan for gold, and get the dirt out of the way so that I can see what shines.

On a different note, I've been spending these first days of the new year grappling with what I want for myself, in all areas. I'm ready to push through what has held me back in the past, whether it be fear of rejection or failure, or lack of prioritization of my goals, or whatever. I feel as though I've embarked on a new journey.

Maybe it has to do with my age and taking more serious thought about my future. Maybe I'm maturing in certain areas and not "caring" so much about what people think, and being able to see criticisms as constructive and not taking them so personally.

Maybe, with age, brings confidence, and liking who we are. Maybe age facilitates us becoming our authentic selves. Maybe, with age, there's a new hunger that propels us to conquer and then eat what we've hunted and gathered with our own hands, instead of just allowing our stomach to growl, wishing there was food handed to us on a plate.

Whatever it is, I like it.

I will be, if I continue to will to be. You will be, if you continue to will to be.

See? This is what happens when I don't outline and just write "organically," I ramble. But, hopefully through the dirt of the ramble, they'll be nuggets of gold.

Shoe Mood:

Practicality coupled with free-spiritedness.

Hmmmmm...

I think it works quite well.

How Will You Judge Your Success As A Writer?

2011-01-03T14:55:00.005-05:00

I think as writers, we all come to the realization that it may take some time to become a success. I know that everyone has differing views on what writing success is or isn’t. For some it may be getting published, and that’s it. For others, it may be having healthy, consistent royalties. Still others, the hope of continued contracts for further work and nice fat advances. (Do they still even have those if you're not a movie star or someone relatively famous?) Still for others, it may be just being able to say that they’ve completed a full manuscript. Then, there are the “purists” who say they write to write only; that it doesn’t matter whether they ever become published or not. The love of the craft alone does it for them.

I can’t say that that’s where I’m at with my writing. I’m certainly not in it for the money, although it would be nice to have a reciprocal relationship with my writing and to have a little more tangible substance to go along with the joy of creating. (You know, I love to hear my husband tell me he loves me, but every now and then, a little bling-bling and sparkle does a girl some good!)

I guess, for me, I’ve not yet decided. I know that it’s more than just becoming a published author. Especially now, in this era of e-books and self-publishing, what was once frowned upon, discouraged, and disregarded as nonviable talent and caught the "roll" of many a prospective agent and or publisher's eye, now has some teeth to it. If you haven’t noticed, the publishing industry is changing, in a very big way… But, I digress.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to write for the rest of my life. And, I don’t think that money alone will do it for me. In other words, I don’t think I could crank out just anything because it’s pop culture or what’s hot in the current trend. Every now and then, that would be great. But, I would like to think that my writing has touched someone’s life in a special way; that, my work didn't only serve as entertainment, but that in some way, I was able to challenge someone to dig deep within themselves and to ponder and consider the possibilities. I would like to think that when they closed the back cover of my book (or virtually turned the last page on their Kindle), they inhaled deeply and released with a sigh, saying, “Wow… now that was a story.”

This is why, no matter how many times I “walk away,” I will inevitably return to the desk and plant myself for the long hall. I just have too much to say.

So, in the meantime, I’ll keep pressing on. I’ll keep on writing, and no matter how many rejections come my way, I’ll keep charging ahead, and standing tall! I hope you will, as well.

How about you? What will be your measuring rod for determining your success? (Just a thought as we have entered a new year with new goals and vision.) Stay true, friends. You'll make it.

Shoe Mood:

Standing tall!

Happy New Year's (Eve)!!

2010-12-31T12:38:00.007-05:00

"For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning."

~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

I know it’s only New Year’s Eve, but, I woke this morning with a renewed sense of awe. Awe in the fact that the New Year offers me another opportunity to embrace change, a chance to begin again (a little older and hopefully wiser), and another year to consider the possibilities… a new beginning, fresh, clean, and unblemished. The New Year is like a blank journal, waiting to be written in, day after day.

For me, as a writer, who has had a very challenging last few years (which included cancer surgery), it simply means that I can shake off the disappointments of the past and push on forward with my dreams and goals of 2011. And boy, do I have dreams and goals!

As many of you know, I had pushed aside my writing endeavors for a few years and have recently picked them back up and am running full speed ahead. I could easily look back on that experience as only negative with regard to my writing. But, I choose not to. I choose, instead, to look at how I’ve grown as a person. I’ve learned, the hard way, what is and is not negotiable for me anymore. (In all areas of my life, not just as a writer.) Now, I’m excited to take what I’ve learned about myself, and what I’ve become, into this next year.

Will 2011 hold challenges and disappointments for me? Absolutely! But it will be what I do with these upcoming challenges that will determine what I accomplish and where I go in my life, as a writer, and personally. I have learned above all else, that giving up is no longer an option. Tenacity is the key!

I’ve also learned that regret can be crippling. If you’re anything like me, you may be harboring regrets of the past year (or more). If we’re not careful, the regrets of the past can very easily be brought into our future. We have to decide if we will wallow in them (our regrets) or learn from them and therefore, turn them into opportunities for positive reaction. When we learn from regret, we grow. It’s when we live in regret that we whither and die inside. It’s what we do with our regrets that either shape us or break us.

As William Hefferman once said, “Good work doesn’t happen with inspiration. It comes with constant, often tedious and deliberate effort.”

What is my main writing resolution (or promise to self) for 2011? Tedious and deliberate effort (in both writing and learning to write better.) And, to not withhold myself from my passion for writing, due to timidity and fear of rejection.

I would like to encourage you in the same. Let us not sell ourselves short in 2011. Now, go musing!

Many blessings to you, and a very happy and prosperous New Year!

P.S. It would be very nice to read your thoughts about my posts. I know that I have a lot of people who read them, but, every now and then, it's really nice to see whether or not someone has received encouragement or have just enjoyed what they've read. ;-)

Shoe Mood:

Making a deliberate effort, but, sparkling

and shining along they way.

Love Being A Writer!

2010-12-30T10:33:00.005-05:00

“Love being a writer.” – Maurice Erickson (Filbert Publishing)

I love what I do. Right now, with no accolades, no applause, obscure, and unknown, with all of its frustrations, I still love what I do.

Why? Because, I’m a writer. From the depths of my being, I can bring to the surface something that has previously never existed. I get the pleasure of creating individuals who, before me, never uttered a word, or felt an emotion, or experienced life. I can paint beautiful pictures with words and control destinies.

Wow! Power trip? No, just appreciating the gift; the honor of writing. No matter where we are in our writing careers, or what exactly it is that we write, whether we’re just beginning or have been published ten times over, we must never forget that we have the ability to imagine, and to invent something that no one else can; our individual stories.

Only we can tell our stories. Even if the cord that runs through them are similar at times to others, our stories are as unique as we are, and they have come from our heart and mind; no one else’s. It’s our uniqueness that brings the flavor and color to what we create. That’s what’s beautiful about being a writer.

As discouraging as it can be, it’s our enthusiasm about this craft that keeps us going, and creating. As many times as we may give up and walk away (I have three times now, some seasons of being away have been longer than others), and think we’re done and dry, a wave of refreshment will pour over us, reviving the inspiration and restoring us to our former determined selves.

We may be at a place in our writing journey where we have a long road ahead of us, but the great thing about these roads is that they will eventually lead us to our predetermined and charted course. Some roads are shorter than others, and some have detours that seem to take us out of our way. But, eventually, we will arrive at our destination.

My intention and purpose is to enjoy this journey. Even when times get tough, and they certainly will, and when I feel overwhelmed by it all, I will sit back and think about what it is I really do, then purpose within myself to dig deep down and give it my all.

Love being a writer!

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

Making 2011 a year to shine!

Time to Cast Some Vision

2010-12-29T11:29:00.008-05:00

Let me know if you've decided to make a "Vision Board." I'd love to hear about your process and how it may have changed your idea about your future, or re-awakened you to your real self.

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

Determination and sparkle is what it takes to walk out what's planned for my life. How 'bout you?

Let's have a "Write A Handwritten Letter Day!"

2010-12-04T18:35:00.006-05:00

Okay, so, I was just thinking about the beauty of the written word, and it occurred to me how public schools are not focusing much, if any, attention on cursive writing. At least, not in my daughter's school. What a travesty!

In this modern age of technologic advancement, it seems as though we are losing our souls and sacrificing an art form to another god of convenience. It saddens my heart to think that within another generation, we as a civilization, could forfeit something so beautiful, so tactile, so... personal.

Just like calligraphy, as well as other forms of personal touch, we may be looking at a future where cursive writing may become something that is studied as a hobby. Can you see it? Non-accredited classes will be held in community colleges to teach the art of cursive writing, along side of belly dancing and crochet. Ughhh! This cannot be!

There is something to be said for the written word, especially in cursive. Just knowing that, when we receive a handwritten letter, it was physically in the hands of the one who had sent it. They physically and thoughtfully put pen to paper. They lovingly folded and placed the letter in an envelope, that too, was hand addressed.

Beautiful.

So, what I'm proposing is a "Write A Handwritten Letter Day!" Let's not allow the coldness of mechanical text to replace the warmth of the written word. It all has its place. I'm not against technological advancement in any way. I just don't want to see something so beautiful as cursive writing to be lost along the way. It needn't be an "either/or" situation. They can both, wonderfully, co-exist. Let's discuss...

Let me know if you took the challenge and how it made you feel. I hope it even inspired you in other areas.

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

In it kinda deep... (Have a whole heck of a lot going on!)

Picking Myself Up by the Stilettos..

2010-11-29T08:05:00.012-05:00

It's been nearly one full year since my last post.

Shocking, I know!

It's been a year of learning, and change, for me in so many areas. I've taken on new challenges, and I've let go of certain things that I had previously found my identity in. Unfortunately, writing was one of those identities that found itself, temporarily, on the chopping block. Not by choice, mind you. But, by necessity.

Now, before those of you, purist writers, who would come down on me for selling out to the business of life, know that I'll be the first to confess my fault. Yes, I threw up my hands in defeat and wavered in my tenacity of "writing spirit" and walked away for a season. I'm not proud of it...

But, also know that I've discovered a new sense of self. I've unearthed the authentic "me" that had been buried under the pressures and demands of vocation and day-to-day life.

It was difficult to lay it all down, the blogs, the works-in-progress, the revisions of completed manuscripts. But, I had to exchange it for "life."

Sometimes, I find that I have too much info on the brain and I just tend to shut down my creative side in order to facilitate the "business" side of my mind. I've learned that allowing that to happen may make more room for my vocational responsibilities, but in exchange, withers my imaginative soul.

I'm an all-or-nothing type of gal. And, that poses problems for me. Especially being equal-parts right and left-brain. My creative muse is smacked down by my editorial diva on a continual basis. It can be an awful stress factor. And, there are times that I live the administrative part of my life and allow the imaginative side to fall away. It's almost easier to let her go and to focus on my job, only. (My "job" can be demanding. I direct a preschool academy, I assist my hubby in children's ministry, and I'm managing the music department at our church on an interim basis.)

So, this past year, I've become all about my vocation and nothing about writing. Bummer...

This is just not acceptable!

So, I've picked myself up by the stilettos, and dusted off my keyboard. I'm not promising great things, just baby-steps. It's not like riding a bike... for me anyway.

I'm not making guarantees of prolific prose, or even consistent daily posting. What I can promise you is a depth of heart and transparency, that when written, will be my authentic self. I'm learning that sometimes, being quiet speaks louder than yelling.

I don't have to fill space with just anything to keep readers. That was a trap I fell into before. I felt the pressure to post something every day or I would be in danger of losing the interest of my subscribers. It stressed me out and overwhelmed me.

If I don't post regularly, maybe I will lose you guys, maybe I won't. But, I'm finding that I should only speak if I have something to say. This revelation has brought me a renewed creative vigor. I can do this... if there are no preconceived ideas or demands placed on me, by me.

So, what I do commit to is loving the writing process again... the good, the bad, and the ugly. I commit to posting as often as I have something cool or revelatory to share. It may be about the writing, it may be about the living, or it just may be what's in my heart at the time. I vow to court the muse.

What I'm asking of you, is another opportunity to be heard once more. Besides, haven't you missed my "Shoe Mood?"

Let me know how you guys have been doing. I will visit you again, as well.

I've missed you...

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

'Nuff said!

A Book Lover's Diary

2010-02-12T10:24:00.006-05:00

My sweet husband bought me a wonderful little "Book Lover's Diary" for Christmas last year. With everything that has transpired this past year, I've yet to do anything with it. But, I absolutely LOVE IT!

So, as I'm enjoying another "snow day," I've picked up the little book, and have decided to begin recording the contents of my "library."

This journal is fabulous! A true reader's companion. You can make book lists to read, record books that you've read, lists books you want to own, books you've shared and with whom you've shared them (to insure their return, of course! ;-) etc. And, it's not very large.

If you want one, check out the Victorian Trading Co. I love that place. I own many things from them. They have a simply delightful array of items that evoke feelings of the past. Simply inspiring.

On the writing front, I've overcome my meltdown, of sorts, and have decided that until I get a definite sense of direction, I'll work on my new WIP and leave my revisions for a little while. In the past, when I have felt driven, it's usually a cue for me to take a step back and relax.

I've reinstated my writing classes as well. Now, I'm awaiting my next assignment. I'm hoping to have my old mentor back. He was so helpful and encouraging to me. I've recently recognized the need for accountability in my writing life. Not that I'm lazy, by no means... just have a lot on my plate, and I allow my writing to suffer because of it. I've not treated it with the respect and attention that it needs and deserves.

What has occurred to me is that the thing about blogging your personal writing life, is that you can come off somewhat "bipolar" in the process. You can swing high then very low. You think things are going well, then, "WHAM!" You've hit a brick wall, face on. It's the nature of the beast. It's an emotional journey. But, what fun would life be without a little emotional drama now and then?

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train." - Oscar Wilde

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

Baby, it's cold (and very snowy) outside!

Counting the Cost of Taking a Risk

2010-02-03T12:39:00.006-05:00

Presently, I'm enjoying a rare and totally self-indulgent day to myself, afforded to me by the always hoped for, sometimes prayed for, ever welcomed event called the "snow-day."

Being that I work in a preschool, when the upper grades in the district have a call for a delay, we have the day off. I was really hoping for this one, and I got it... YAY!

I don't want you to think that I don't absolutely love my job... I do! It's just that I've had so much activity in my life, that I desperately needed some me-time. Today is "Me O'Clock!"

So, I plumped up my pillows, grabbed my current non-fiction read, a cup of coffee, covered up with my warm, cozy quilts and simply enjoyed the morning. Then the time came to take my 11 yr-old to school, shovel the drive, and sit down to catch up on my blog. So, here I am. The laundry can wait.

On the writing front, I've not gotten very far with my current revisions. (Are you honestly shocked by this? I think not.) However, I'm slowly, but surely, poking along. I'm trying to decide a few things about direction. I'm rethinking some advice an agent gave me. Yet, I'm not so sure that I want to go in that direction. I have to decide if I'm honestly willing to change the "bones" that much. It would be a major change in my character. Actually, it would change a lot. Who am I kidding? Only the names would stay the same. Well, the premise would be the same, I guess.

I'm just trying to decide before I get too far in my fourth revision. Do I want to keep my original intent and stick with it through "hell or high water?" Or, do I take the advice and do a rewrite to make the whole thing more "marketable" to a different age group? This has been my inner debate for over a year. Same premise, different time frame in the life of my main character. Crap!

Up to this point, I've been somewhat stubborn and inflexible. Well, not totally inflexible. I did one rewrite with a flavor of the suggested changes incorporated. But, it wasn't ultimately the total transformation that may have worked. Or, would it?

I'm quite the purest at times, to a fault. I think that many of us as writers are. We have our moment of brilliant inspiration. We free write until our fingers bleed. We research and rewrite. We revise, revise, revise, revise... We believe in what we are saying to the point that we refuse to compromise our characters and who we see them as. We know them, intimately. We gave them life. They are real. Then, we are faced with the thought of changing them. These characters are created from the depths of our being. We bought into them. We believed in them and what they had to say.

Then, when we are presented with other thoughts and directions, we have a decision to make. Do we remain pure and faithful to our initial inspiration and consequent plot-line? Or, do we take the input, and break-down our character to mere shadows of their original self? That is the question. Will they end up a Frankenstein or will it be a beautiful rebirth of someone we loved?

It's a gamble. But, isn't that what this industry is? One big fat gamble? Some writers are fortunate enough to roll the right combination. Others are not so lucky. Either way, there's no winning without the risk. I just have to decide how much risk I'm willing to take. My decision means the difference between a mere revision (I say that "tongue in cheek") and a complete rewrite.

Hmmmmm... I'll have to get back with you all on this one.

xoxo CJ

P.S. "High stakes yield high success." - Donald Maass

Shoe Mood:

Enjoying it while it lasts!

Hellooooooo out there...

2010-01-20T14:26:00.005-05:00

Well, it's only been in November since I've last posted. SHAME!!!! LOL!

Let me update you guys on the latest...

I'm feeling FABULOUS! Seriously! I feel really good.

I was out of sorts for a while. Had a bit of surgical shock and fatigue that was bringing me down. When I wasn't working, I didn't have the energy to blog, or work on any writing endeavors. I had to take some time to truly regenerate myself. (Being a preschool teacher and academy director can run you ragged!) I used all of my energy for work, and was empty when I got home. I did begin another blog about "Cottage Life," if that interests any of you. It's sparse as well, because it too suffered at the hand of fatigue and want of energy. But, I love it. It's another creative outlet for me. It's about "creating home" as I like to say. Check it out, if you would like. It will be updated soon, as well.

But, now I'm feeling much better and ready to take on the responsibility for what I want to happen in my writing life.

I've begun my fourth revision of my manuscript. (Don't get too excited, as I'm only on page six.) Well, at least I've started. And, I've re-enrolled in my old writing classes to keep me accountable, and dust myself off.

I hope all has been going well for you, my dear friends. I'll be returning to your blogs as well, as I've missed you guys very much!

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." - Anais Nin

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

I'm feeling schnazzaaaaay!

Hello my sweet friends...

2009-11-13T20:37:00.003-05:00

Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I've last taken time to blog. A lot has transpired, and I've been trying to find my "life-flow," if you will. In case you're wondering (as I've been questioned by several of you), I'm doing quite well. Having to adjust to some things, but doing well, non-the-less.

I've not been around the blog scene, or active on the message boards, lately, as I've been so busy with teaching and running the academy. In all honesty, I've been battling with extreme fatigue. So much so, that once I'm home from work, I've not the energy or drive to think, let alone write or converse for any period of time. The spirit is willing but the flesh...

I went to my oncologist today for my 3-month appointment, and after telling him about my struggles with lack of energy and exhaustion, he decided to do blood-work to rule out thyroid problems. He said that he honestly thinks that this, and other issues, are a result of having had such major surgery only three-months out. We are hoping that's the case. I want to feel awake and alert again. I miss my creative spirit and the energy that flows within that. So, hopefully soon, I will be back to my lively self with my perky inner spirit.

I just want you all to know that I appreciate you so much, and your encouragement over the last several months has meant the world to me. I want so badly to get back in my blogging groove, and to be back in touch with you all. If I only blog a few thoughts or nuggets of encouragement every few days, know that it's only temporary, and I'll be back to my old droning self soon.

Hope all is well with all of you!

XOXO CJ

Almost five weeks after surgery, and...

2009-08-22T15:21:00.004-04:00

I feel fantastic!! Everything went well, and I'm doing GREAT! (I was even able to keep one ovary, so I'm thrilled that I have my own hormones and feel "even," if you can understand that.)

I know that I haven't blogged in so very long. The only thing I can say is that I have been spending a lot of time revisiting my expectations of recovery and what I had predetermined to take place in my heart and mind. None of which have happened. Seriously.

What did happen? I had a successful surgery that, for the most part, was uneventful. I spent one night in the hospital, as I was fortunate enough to have the DaVinci robotic surgery. It was minimally invasive, even for a radical hysterectomy (if leaving one ovary is still considered radical). Once the catheter was removed and I could prove that I could "pee-pee" a certain amount, as well as walk the hallways, I was free to go home. Then, my recovery process began.

I walked as much as I could, a little more everyday. I rested when I needed it, and I didn't over-exert myself. (Unless you count my going to work during week two for two days, and finding that it was way too early!) I know, I know. I felt as if I could handle it. Boy, was I wrong. Should have waited at least one more week.

But, overall, my recovery was quite uneventful, restful, and at times, even boring. I was even too bored to eat chocolate. I didn't want to read, write, or watch TV. I just wanted to get back to normal. Or, what I had expected "normal" to be. I wasn't quite sure what that was going to look like.

You see, I had been suffering with female issues since I was seventeen. All my life, it seemed, I have endured pain and discomfort. I was even infertile for eleven years before conceiving our miracle baby girl (who just turned eleven in July). I have been poked, prodded and assaulted with sharp instruments more times than I can count. So, "normal" was an enigma to me.

As I waited for normality, I realized that everything I had expected to happen, emotionally speaking, had not. I had prepared myself to "change." I mean, shouldn't I have? I just had major surgery to remove my "female parts" and I wasn't feeling like a basket case. Why?

I know that this kind of thing is different for every woman who endures it. And, I certainly would never belittle someones personal experience. I know that for many women, just the word hysterectomy can stir up visions of a daunting and frightening life-event. It was that way for me as well. I was scared. I was terrified, actually. But, I have to tell you, I was not prepared for how great I was going to be, after the event.

I honestly expected to experience some deeply profound emotional "something" following my surgery. I've even spent that last few weeks pondering my state of mind and emotions, the lack of which, have left me perplexed. That would explain my lack of posting. I didn't know what to say. Or, I was afraid to say how well everything was going, for fear that things might crumble into an emotional heap of female brokenness. But, that never happened either.

To make a very long story short, I'm well. More than well. I'm happy, healthy, and nearly 100%. I feel better than I have in years, and I've found that I have, intuitively, not looked back, other than to try to understand why I'm not emotionally missing my pieces and parts.

Maybe because I was broken and now I'm fixed. Maybe because the only good they've done for me was give me my little miracle. Maybe because I know that I'm so much better off now. Even though I knew I would be, I was concerned that I would have regrets. Or, that I would have moments of grieving my femininity. After all, don't the parts make the woman? Nonsense! My soul makes me who I am.

I actually feel more beautiful, more energetic, and more feminine than ever. I feel clean and whole (even with parts missing). I feel like me... just much improved. CJ 2.0!

So, now I continue to heal. My surgery a distant memory. I'm not CJ, a woman who had a hysterectomy. I'm just CJ... period. My life is the sum of all of its parts, (no pun intended) having equal play and impartation into my life.

I have a new haircut and new attitude. I no longer expect to be sad at the loss of those things that actually hindered me during times in my life. I look forward with expectancy and joy of a pain-free and energetic life. The best is yet to come!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Yes... I did it all in stilettos! (If only in my mind.)

This was my reality, the first week and a half!
(Thanks, Mirka, for the froggy socks! xoxo)

Tea & Thee

2009-07-15T11:11:00.005-04:00

Monday was my youngest daughter's birthday. She turned eleven. Geesh, where does the time go?

We have a family tradition in our home, amongst us gals, to have tea and scones and undisturbed "Momma time," on our birthdays. I've been baking scones and steeping tea for too many years to count now. But, the "Birthday Tea" is by far the most special and looked forward to occasion for taking tea in our house. According to Boo-Bear, I make the best scones and grilled cheese sandwiches in the whole world. (To the left, you'll see a bit of our morning spread.)

It amazes me how my girls transform when they are handling the delicate china cups and vintage creamer and sugar bowls. Conversation almost becomes prissy-fun at first, them deepens to a more profound expression of what is really going on inside of them. Taking tea fosters conversation. I feel bad that I've let my consistent tea-times waver over the last year or so. I must get back to it, as I enjoy it so very much. (Embroidering is another activity that I've allowed to suffer.)

So, there we were, me and my two daughters, enjoying a few stolen moments together. Those moments meant the world. Happy Birthday Boo-Bear! I love you with all of my heart. xoxo

I had my pre-op appointment on Friday. It went well. Nothing really could have been expected otherwise. EKG, chest X-ray, and more blood work were the events of the day. Now, I wait until Tuesday, when I go in for the big one. *Le sigh*

I'm becoming a bit anxious. I'm not sure exactly why, as there was not a certain event or moment that triggered this feeling. It must just be the thought of what's to come. The unknown. What I do know is that I trust God is in control and He has me in the palm of His hand before, during, and after this thing.

I'm still having the irritating need to nest. It drives me batty. Especially when everything we as women do on the home-making end, like dusting, laundry, dishes, etc, is nothing more than an illusion of accomplishment in my point of view. Not a moment after we finish our chore, do we turn around and see that more needs to be done or in my case, redone. Ongoing, recurrent, necessity. Groundhog Day! (The movie.)

I'm also busying myself with a few administrative things, for the academy, that I feel would be best accomplished early so that I'll not need to worry about them during recovery. My schedule is being cut close with in-service beginning on August 17th. I won't be able to lift or over exert myself, but at least I can sit at my desk and delegate. I'm getting pretty good at that.

My hubby has made me chillax during the summer so far. So, I just dabble in work and writing stuff here and there. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for him.

I will certainly try to post before my surgery. But, If I can't get it together enough to do so, know that I'll post as soon as I'm able. Probably at the end of next week. Now, I'm off to make more lists, over-analyze situations, and post various random status updates on my Twitter. (I will Twitter, I'm sure, once I'm home from the hospital. It's an addiction that narcotics can't even break. I may not make much sense, but, how many of us really do?)

Again, your thoughts, prayers, emails, notes, and love are felt and so greatly appreciated. Words cannot express my gratitude.

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

Going easy and breezy for a while.
But, still ever so stylish. ;-)

A Lady in Waiting to Become A "Hyster Sister"

2009-07-07T17:58:00.007-04:00

I'm presently living vicariously through others as I watch "Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood." Tori is struggling to balance career, home-making, motherhood, etc, while looking absolutely gorgeous doing it all. I think I can do that. I am, however, currently wearing my well-worn "pink" (although it's green) t-shirt, sweats with "pink" (although they're blue) across my bumm and flip-flops. I'm not feeling so glamorous at the present. I keep hearing Zsa Zsa Gabor whispering in my ear, "You know, it's much better to look good than to feel good, Daahhlink!" Yeah, yeah, I know. At least my make-up is on and I'm having a good hair day.

I'm having a bit of a sinus funk, and needed antibiotics for it. I have my hysterectomy pre-op appointment on Friday, and cannot be sick or it can risk my surgery date. So, went to the family doc yesterday, and he concluded, as I have, that I've not had the best "go of it" as of late. Note: Shall I remind you of a certain spider-bite situation that caused the postponement of my D&C? Then, the removal of said spider bite, which actually ended up being a sebaceous cyst that had to be cut out, and left to heal without stitches! Yeah! Did I mention this was on my cleavage? Yeah! Then, there was the pathology results of my D&C. Ug! All of this has happened since May. (Oh yeah, did I mention that I found out that I was going to need a hysterectomy on my 23rd anniversary? Yeah! Nothing like saying, "Happy Anniversary, honey! Now, let's go and see the doc about having my uterus taken out, shall we?") *Le sigh*

Anyhoo, I digress. My family doc had recently received the notes from my oncologist, briefing him on what has transpired thus far and what is going to happen from here. We talked a little bit about it all, and he encouraged me that the hysterectomy usually is the treatment for uterine cancer, and with it being so early in it's detection, I should be fine. It's just the middle part from here to there that can be a bit of a challenge.

I've been spending some time on the site "Hyster Sisters." It's been a great encouragement to me to have a place dedicated to women who have walked, or are currently walking, the path to hysterectomy. So many stories. So many different reasons as to why they ended up in this same place as I have. It's wonderful to read the testimonies of others, and know that I'm not alone, even if I feel as though I am.

This journey is not something easy to explain to those who are not on this same path. I have my days where I'm totally fine, and then the next day I may feel frightened. I get embarrassed at times because I think I shouldn't be too concerned, but then, I know it's a big deal. To me, anyway.

Having that site to go to allowed me to see that I'm very normal in my concerns, actions and reactions. For instance, I have this overwhelming urge to "nest" like I did when I was at the end of my pregnancy. I want to be sure that everything is in order and perfect for when I come home. Then I read on the forum how many women who are waiting for their surgery date to approach (we're known as "ladies in waiting") have the same inclination going on. I didn't feel silly anymore.

I think the most difficult phase in all of this is with my hubby. He's been fantastic, but always wants to "fix" things. (As most of you men out there do.) Sometimes, I just need to vent or vocalize my concerns, without being fixed. Sometimes, I just need to be listened too. I guess it's just hard for my husband to see me going through all of this stuff. All of the procedures, the poking and the prodding, the tests, waiting for the results of the tests, etc. It's all a bit much. I know I'd feel really bad for him it it were he who was going through so much, and would want to make it all better as well. But, soon, it will be over and I will be on the mend. Can't wait!

So, now I re-organize my closets, make my lists, plan our meals, etc. while I wait. And, the waiting is the worst part of the deal.

If you know of a lady facing a hysterectomy, or maybe one who has already had the procedure and maybe feels alone, please let her know of the "Hyster Sisters" website. It will do her a world of good.

xoxo CJ

Shoe Mood:

Ahhhhh! That's more like it.
Zsa Zsa would be so proud!

Getting My Duckies In A Row!

2009-06-30T10:29:00.009-04:00

Well, I sure have a lot of catching up to do. I must say that I really appreciate you all being so patient with my slacking posts. I'm going to work very hard to get back to twice weekly, and weave some more writing stuff into them when I've not much to say about health stuff.

Also, the love and support that has been shown to me during this time has blessed me and my family so much! I can't begin to tell you what it means to me. The encouragement and prayers are lifting my spirits and I feel enveloped by your thoughts. Thank you.

Hubby and I had our "tween" camp this past week. So, we had our hands full for several days. Other than that, it's just been fatigue that has been driving me crazy! It's been hard to string coherent thoughts together. In other words, I've been too tired to think!

But, think I must! Tee! Hee!

I met with my Oncologist on June 22nd. We had a very good appointment. (Two and a half hours long!) Along the way, I've been fortunate enough to have been placed with the best of the best when it comes to my medical needs. My Oncologist is no exception. Thank God!

He said there may be the possibility that the cancer spot might have been removed during the D&C! If not, he feels certain he will get everything when I have the surgery. (No pun intended! We all know he'll get EVERYTHING!) Anyhoo, that was very reassuring.

He did say that he doesn't believe that the severe endometriosis and the uterine cancer is related in any way. So, we're trying to take care of two separate issues with this surgery. My procedure is scheduled for July 21st.

I'm much better than I was. I floated around in numbness for a while. Then I had a mini-meltdown. Nothing horrible, just slightly neurotic. Had to have hubby talk me down off the ledge. (Figuratively speaking, of course!) But, after meeting with my oncologist, I feel a lot better. Especially since I'm a candidate for the DaVinci Robotic surgery. My recovery time will be cut in half! I'll only have one night in the hospital, and I'll be able to drive once I'm off narcs. (Just won't be able to lift anything over 5-10 lbs for a while.)

There's something to say about fighting the unknown. It's daunting and scary. Your mind works over-time filling itself with "what-if's" and "how come's" and "why now's?" Although, I never asked "why me?" I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, I guess. I just wanted to be sure that everyone else would be ok, and that everything was in order so that I wouldn't have a bunch of "mess" to clean up when I've recovered. It got overwhelming as we loomed closer and closer to my recovery taking place at the beginning of the school year. But, now that I'm having the DaVinci method, I'll be fully recovered by the time we're back at school. That, alone, alleviated a whole lot of stress for me. And, just being able to sit and talk with my doc helped beyond measure. It's a very good thing to have a doctor who listens. I'm blessed.

So, now I'm getting my duckies in a row, making sure that everything and everyone is taken care of while I recover. I feel like it's the calm before the storm.

I read the most beautiful quote a few weeks ago that served to bless my spirit and calm my soul. I'm not sure where it came from or who wrote it (it may be in a song). But, it was so beautiful, non-the-less.

"Life is not about trying to get through the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My youngest has already learned this lesson. I wish I were more like her!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

I'm ready to join her!

Waves of Emotion

2009-06-15T15:15:00.006-04:00

It's been a relatively lazy day. I've really needed the reprieve. To say that this past year has been crazy would be an absolute understatement. But, that's fine with me. I function better with deadlines and chaos.

Looking back, I'm so thankful for what I have been afforded. The wonderful opportunity to take directorship of a preschool academy in flux and turn the tide for it. As well as teaching again. That alone has been such a tremendous pleasure. And now, during the beginning of summer break, I sit. Well, not literally. Housekeeping keeps me on my toes. But, when I'm not dusting, doing laundry, etc., I am, however, finding it difficult to relax. I think along the way, I may have forgotten how to.

I'm going to need to learn how to very soon, as my pending hysterectomy will quickly be upon me.

I still find that I'm quite a bit numb at the diagnosis. I mean, I already knew that I was going to have to have a total hysterectomy when they found the complex hyperplasia. That was something I was dutifully coming to terms with. But, when you hear the "C" word, no matter how early the stage or low the grade, it's overwhelming to say the least. I'm hit by the occasional rogue wave of emotion.

I meet with my oncologist a week from today (June 22nd). From there, I imagine, he'll go through the whole process with me and hubby. At this point, I'm honestly not sure what to think or how to act. I just know that this was not what I was expecting.

Initially, I was just going through the motions. You know? Saying all the right things like, "I know I'll be fine." And, "It was found early so there's nothing to worry about." And so on. I do know that I'll be fine, but I still have emotions that are attached to this whole thing. I didn't realize just how detached I was from those feelings until just a few days ago. I don't go around all day focused on this thing called cancer. But, I do find at times that I'm a little bit uneasy about this new challenge.

It would be easy for me to just "suck it up" and deal with it. I tend to do that a lot when challenges arise. But, I think it would be bad, in the long run, if I didn't digest this process. If I didn't embrace whatever could be gleaned from this journey to wellness. It is a big deal. To me, anyway.

My sweet ten year-old has become quite clingy to me as of late. She actually asked to sleep in my bed a few nights as she wanted to just be near me. I had no idea what was going on in her young mind until she began to cry. She said with regard to my surgery, "I don't like that strangers will be handling you, Momma." That broke my heart. Children are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for.

No matter how we reassure them, no matter how much we talk and attempt to soothe, they have their own thought processes. Their own way of dealing with life's "stuff."

I'm usually a just "get 'er dun" type of person. But, I feel I run the risk of floating through the unknown, then being surprised at the outcome, if I negate the process by not giving it the thought and consideration it deserves. (Note: I may be rambling, if so, please disregard.)

Anyhoo, I am at peace. Just a little weary. Fatigue is what I seem to be battling with the most lately. That, and I'm so crampy all of the time. It will be great to have that gone for good!

This is what I'm feeling today. This is where my head is at.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

My feet, however, are in a much better state of mind.

New Twists and Turns; Still the Same Road.

2009-06-10T11:03:00.007-04:00

Hello friends,

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted. Things have been a bit, shall I say, crazy? Yup!

Since my last post, I've had my preschool's graduation, my daughter's graduation, and I had to have the sebaceous cyst that was located where I had the previous spider bite removed. Three weeks and I'm still healing, but healing nicely. Looks much better than I had expected it would. (Especially since I could not have stitches. It had to heal open, from the inside out.) Yukko!

Thursday, May 28th, I had my D&C. Waited with baited breath for the pathology results. Got them yesterday. The complex hyperplasia with aytpia had, in fact, turned to cancer. But, it's so early in it's change that I'll be fine. Early detection is key! So, now I will have to go to a Gyn. Oncologist for my surgery. He will have to biopsy lymph nodes during the hysterectomy to determine if anything bad has gotten into my blood stream. If so, he'll just take the bad nodes, and all should be well. My doctor has a call into the ocologist. I should be hearing from him today or tomorrow to set up our consultaion, then surgery.

To say that I'm a bit aloof and overwhelmed is a bit of an understatement. I know in my heart that everything will be fine, but, at the same time, I'm a little freaked out. Not terribly, just a minor touch of the "freak." I don't know why. I'm incredibly thankful to God that we found it so early. Six months to a year would have made a terrific difference in what my family and I would be facing. But, the fact that I have this kind of desease in my body really bothers me, deeply. I think it's more mental than anything.

When talking to my hubby about it last evening, I realized that I'm all discombobulated. This was NOT my plan at all. I wanted to just go and have an endometrial ablation, and be done with it. Down for a day, and that would be that. Little did I know back in February, when this whole journey of wellness began, that I would be facing such a different outcome. A much bigger deal with many more steps. But, it's OK. The outcome is what I'm looking forward to.

On a really great note, my precious 10 yr.-old daughter, who just graduated 5th grade, was honored with the "President's Award in Education for Academic Excellence" signed by President Obama! We were totally not expecting that. She also won her school's D.A.R.E. essay writing contest. She was presented with a medal and had to read her essay at the graduation ceremony yesterday. And, if I've not bragged and gushed enough, here's more... she was honored for being in the Honor's Chorus, a tutor of first graders, talent show, and art. She was also chosen, along with three other girls, to sing the "National Anthem."

The big deal is this... she was home-schooled until this year. Fifth grade was her first experience in public school, as I was a home-educator for eight years, having begun when our oldest was in fourth grade. What a blessing! She really went for it, big time! Yay, Boo Bear!

Well, I just had to dote a bit! Thanks for endulging me in that.

I hope all is well with you all! (Keep on writing!)

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Hey, it's summer break!

The Needful Things

2009-05-18T19:24:00.005-04:00

I was so tired today after teaching, that following school, I came right home and took a nap. I woke up thinking the following thought, "It's so easy to drift away from oneself, that before we realize it, we have become but a fragment of what we once were. We should take care not to allow that to happen." I don't always wake up with deep thoughts permeating my heart and mind. Those of you who dig my "Birdie Bizz" know that. It's just that, lately, I've been so stretched with obligations, responsibilities, and physical trials that I have dwindled myself down to a mere toothpick. At least that's how I feel.

The last thing I want to do is to be a big bummer and dump gloominess all over your sunny day. I'm just conflicted a bit about a few things. Dreams and past interests, mostly.

So, I'm looking forward to summer. I'm going to "return to me." I'm going to pick up my paints and canvas, and my embroidery, and create something beautiful again. I'm going to actually sit and read. I'm going to begin to journal again, while I take tea. I'm going to reconnect with friends that have patiently sat by as I've filled my schedule to overflowing with business.

Maybe there is a blessing in my upcoming surgery. It's going to MAKE me slow down for a bit. Maybe it will serve to get me back on track with those things that were once needful to me. The little things that aren't so little to me. They each served to revive and inspire me. I'm needing inspiration once more.

I'm needing a refreshing with regard to my writing as well. I feel a little bit like a lost soul... just wandering about, looking for direction.

I'm looking for solitude.

William Wordsworth wrote, "When from our better selves we have too long been parted... how gracious, how benign, is Solitude."

That's where I'm at. I feel as though I have been parted from my better self. Too busy to care for the ailing half (I mean in my soul, not in the physical sense). Now, I have no choice.

As far as my surgery, well, I've had a bit of an ordeal. The spider bite that came back to haunt me caused my D&C to be canceled, due to fear of an infection. Therefore, I don't yet have a new date scheduled for the D&C. So, that pushes back hearing from pathology, which pushes back my hysterectomy, which pushes back my recovery time. Hopefully, not into the beginning of next school year. Ug! So, now I sit here with my antibiotics (two days worth, left to take), waiting to hear from my surgeon as to when we can get back on track.

I am laughing through my tears, though. Truly, I am. We have to keep a sense of humor when things don't go the way we've planned. (I so hate not being the one in control.)

XOXO,

CJ

Shoe Mood:

Choosing to stay cool and relaxed
in the midst of total chaos.

Spider bites, D&C's, and all that good stuff!

2009-05-12T14:07:00.008-04:00

Okay... so I went for my pre-operative appointment on Monday for my D&C which was scheduled for tomorrow, Thursday. Now, it wasn't the blood-work or discussion about the general anesthetic that bothered me. No... it was the fact that I can't wear any make-up into surgery. And, if that were not enough, I have to remove my nose piercing. Ug! Do they realize how much work it took for me to get this stupid nose stud in, in the first place? Once I pop it out, I won't be able to get it back in! You want to talk about pain? Pushing a little tiny bar with a stud on one end and a ball on the other through a teeny little hole on the side of your nose is painful. Especially when the ball that is used to hold the bar in your piercing is larger than the hole itself. Are you kidding me?! No, they weren't.

On a lighter, slightly more humorous note, as the nurse was drawing my blood, and was at the end ready to remove the needle, she dropped the sterile pad that she had wanted to put on my arm. She just stood there for a moment, pondering. Then, realizing that she had considered all other options in her mind, asked me if I wouldn't mind holding the needle in place while she went to fetch a new sterile pad. "Sure," I said. It wasn't like I was going to go anywhere. Certainly not with a needle hanging out of my vein. That could cause a whole lot of trouble and unwanted rumors. So, there I sat, holding the needle in my arm as she walked across the room to grab another sterile pad.

On a not so funny or lighter note, while at the pre-op appointment, I asked the nurse to look at a place where I had once been bitten by an ugly spider. The bite was five years ago, mind you. But, three years ago, the bite site became inflamed and very swollen. I ended up having a staph infection due to the poison from the bite. Well, after antibiotics and several hot compresses later, it "relieved" itself. Other than a yucky little lumpy scar, I hadn't thought twice about it in years. Then, not five days ago, I ended up with a red and swollen bite site once more. Seems it wasn't finished with me yet. So, while I was at the pre-op appointment, they highly suggested that I have my General Practitioner look at it again. Needless to say, my D&C was canceled due to fear of re-occurring staph. I had to have my GP okay me for the the D&C in order to reinstate the surgery date and time, but by the time I got in to see him late yesterday, my surgery slot was taken. Now, I wait for a new date and to find out whether or not my surgeon will allow me to take these new antibiotics from my GP to heal this stupid bite! (Because you are not supposed to have any meds in your system 5-7 days prior to surgery.)

And, if this were not enough, my GP told me that once I "get through" all of this D&C and hysterectomy stuff, I need to have the bite site surgically removed as it looks as though it has rested in a gland. (Did I mention that the bite site is on my breast?!)

Anyhoo, here I sit. I have to laugh. Just like the day I found out that I was needing a hysterectomy. It was our 23rd wedding anniversary. I said to my precious hubby, "Happy Anniversary, Sweetie. Now, let's go talk to the doc about having my uterus taken out!"

Sometimes you just have to find humor in the daunting things. If you don't, you'll go stark raving mad.

XOXO CJ

P.S. I just want to thank so many of you who have wished me well and expressed such love and concern towards me. It really blesses me! (((HUGS)))

Shoe Mood:

I choose to smile, even though I really want to cry!
But, how can you cry when you're wearing these?
Hmmmm?

When Does a Blog Get Too Personal? Now, Maybe?

2009-05-07T15:04:00.009-04:00

Okay, I know I've not been blogging as much as usual. I've been trying to, but I've so much to say, and not sure what to do about it. So, I've ended up keeping to myself over the last few weeks.

I've kinda been going through something and I've been debating over the past few days about what is appropriate to share and what is not? What would be sharing my heart and what would be taking readers somewhere that they may just not want to go?

I've decided to share my heart. I hope it's not too much info, but, I'm a writer. This is what writers do... right? (Pun totally intended!)

Well, this is the deal...

After several months of increasing physical problems, I had a biopsy done about two weeks ago. I met with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the results. I was told that I have what's called "complex hyperplasia with atypia." It's a more concerning type of precancerous stage that will need more aggressive medical treatment, close monitoring, and surgical intervention. My husband and I then met with the surgeon yesterday. I'm needing to have a complete hysterectomy, not only because of the current findings, but because of my past medical history as well. About fifteen years ago I had stage four dysplasia (the stage before cervical cancer). And, if that were not enough, I have severe endometreosis. I've had that battle since I was seventeen years old.

The concern is that although the biopsy didn't show cancer, it was a small sample, and there could still be cancerous spots present. If there are, that will change the dynamic of the hysterectomy. Lymph nodes will have to be removed then as well. I have to have a D&C within the next few weeks. The D&C sample will be sent to pathology for a result. That will determine if there is any cancer present and the stage of the atypia (pre-cancer). Then, after the pathology report comes back, we will set the date for the hysterectomy.

I'm 41 years old. This is a big deal... no, actually, it's huge. But, I have a peace and know in my heart that everything will be fine. I was reassured by the doctor that even if there is cancer present, it would be slow moving, and with taking the lymph nodes, I can be sure that there will not be a re-occurrence.

I'm a wee bit overwhelmed. But, as usual, I'll be fine. God is faithful. Always has been to me.

You may be asking why I would share this with you all, especially as I have men who follow my blog as well? All I can say is that I felt compelled to do this. I had originally determined to only share with a few. But, how could I encourage others in that? I thought I could possibly help other women who are finding themselves at the same or similar place as myself. And, for those who may have already walked this walk, they could be cheerleaders to the rest of us along the way.

Needless to say, my "writing" blog will, for the next little while, be about one young woman's journey through a complete hysterectomy, and coming out at the end happier, healthier, and much wiser for the wear. I know that this post may seem somewhat sterile. Just a whole bunch of info thrown out at you. But, that's where I am right at this moment. Regurgitating information, as I'm still a little bit numb. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I can reach for the other side of this thing. I know I'll be better off when it's all said and done. I can sense that much.

I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I just want to know that I can have the liberty to express what needs to be for my well being. A chart, if you will, of my progress, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to that place of total wellness.

I don't know how long it will be before I get back to blogging about writing. I imagine there will be some veining of it here and there. But, for the most part, at least until I get through to the other side of this thing, it will be about the journey to a healthy me.

I love you guys!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

"Better to kick you in the shins with, my dear!"
Nothing is going to keep me down!

Birdie Bizz Volume 2

2009-05-04T14:54:00.004-04:00

You'll have to click to enlarge.

Shoe Mood:

Some days you've just gotta laugh.
Today is one of those days.

I am a great writer, I am a great writer, I am a great writer...

2009-04-25T08:17:00.006-04:00

State of my writing: Focused on writing notes and studying for my upcoming women's conference. I really need to buckle down today. Putting away my completed and revised MS until such a time that I feel would be good to pull it out again. Maybe, never. It might just be one of those things. Maybe it's out of season. Maybe it's just not something people would be interested in. Maybe, I didn't stretch myself enough.

State of my reading: Scriptures regarding my conference topic, and passed on The Shack. For now, at least. I need a funny, poignant and light-hearted romp. So, I reached for I Capture the Castle. If you've not yet read it, you must!

Okay, I know it's been a week since my last post. Hate that! But, I've been really busy with all kinds of preschool, women's conference, and just plain, being sick, kinda stuff. So, I'm glad to be back. Still not at 100%, but getting there.

I've been speaking positive affirmations to myself. And, as long as I don't end up behind the couch in the fetal position, or eating copious amounts of chocolate (well, I'm one for two, anyway), I suppose I'll be fine. This is a really hard and bumpy road, but one that must be traveled, non-the-less.

I love what I do. Right now, without accolades or applause, just obscure and unknown, with all of its frustrations, I still love what I do. Why? Because I'm a writer. From the depths of my being, that's what I am.

As discouraging as this process can be, it's my enthusiasm for this craft that keeps me going and creating when the going gets tough. I have to purpose within myself to enjoy the journey, even when there doesn't seem to be much to enjoy about it.

The emotional highs of creating a beautiful moment or dialogue that sings, to the emotional lows of rejection or "writer's block," it's a real bi-polar type experience. Thankfully, I'm still non-medicated.

XOXO, CJ

Shoe Mood:

Choosing to shine, even when my writer's soul feels a little drab.

What Happens When I Should Be Writing...

2009-04-18T14:50:00.003-04:00

I play with stuffed birds!

(You'll have to click on the pic to enlarge and read it.)

Shoe Mood:

The birds brightened up my day!
How 'bout you?

Don't You Just Hate Transition?

2009-04-18T10:56:00.008-04:00

The state of my writing: Plotting and character development on one of my current WIPs.

The state of my reading: I'm looking at The Shack. (No... really, I'm just looking at it. The cover is closed and everything.) Have not been able to bring myself to read it yet. I will, though. Hubby and oldest daughter did, and cried. Very revelatory for those of us who are Christians and who find, on occasion, we are stuck in the traditional thought patterns of man and the way man thinks "religion" should be, versus what God thinks about everything. A beautiful and anointed work of fiction, I've heard excerpts from my hubby's download of the book on CD. Now, after someone bought the book for me, I must bring myself to read it in full. I'm all about the grace of God and having an honest relationship instead of empty religious rituals and superficial actions. But, that's just me.

Now, moving on. Maybe it's because I haven't even begun to plan the preschool graduation program, or complete my notes for my upcoming women's conference on May 8th and 9th. Or, maybe it's because I'm still a little out of sorts with my Grandmother's passing away, or what I thought I loved about my MS, I'm struggling to now embrace. But, I'm second guessing myself in all areas. Even my current WIPs are giving me grief.

I think that I need a vacation.

My head isn't very clear right now. I'm not sure which road to turn down. I'm directionally challenged. It's like there's been a ten car pile-up in my brain, and I'm stuck until the emergency teams come to clear out everything and wave me on through. Hopefully, they'll wave me in the right direction.

I usually feel pretty confident about my writing skills. Disclaimer: I'm certainly not saying that I feel as though I have arrived. That's quite obvious. I still have so much to learn and many areas to grow and develop in. But, overall, I usually feel as though I'm a pretty good writer with a lot of promise. Today, well, actually over the past several days, I've been questioning myself on that score.

I feel like I'm in that transition period of labor and delivery. You know, ladies? The few minutes between transitioning from contracting and laboring to the actual delivery of the beautiful gift. It's a time of "self-doubt" mode. You question EVERYTHING.

"I can't do this, put it back in, please!"
"What do you mean you can't do this? You're doing it right now!" dear hubby or the doc and nurses say.
"No... no, I'll just carry it a little longer, if you don't mind," you answer, panting heavy with the fear of the unknown.
"You can't carry this any longer. You have to push," the doc says firm and bold.
"Yeah, sweetheart, you have to do this," dear hubby says.
"Shut up! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS!" you scream in defiance. Truly believing, if only for that moment, you are not equipped or capable of bringing a treasure into the world.

That's where I am right at this very moment. I'm in full-on self-doubt mode. I'm just telling it like it is. Those of you who know me, know that I 'm a transparent person (well, not literally, although that would be pretty cool at times). I have my moments of just opening up and pouring it out. It's not always pretty.

I find at times that I struggle between the many hats that I wear. Wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, academy director, kid pastor's wife, writer, artist, and, occasional women's conference speaker. Jack-of-all-trades and master of none. There's so much I want to do, and so much I wish to accomplish. Everything right now is vying for my time and attention. I guess that's why I feel a little overwhelmed and unsure about my writing. I'm not having a clear and concise direction. I think I've hit the dreaded "writer's block" with regard to my current WIPs, and have been gripped with serious trepidation with my completed MS.

If I don't hear from the agent who has my current query and first 10 pages, I think I may just put it aside again, and move on to my new ideas. Maybe, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was a cathartic exercise. Maybe the timing is all wrong. All I know is that I've poured my heart in to it, and have revised and rewritten it several times over the past three years. If I do have to "bury" it in a drawer, at least I can say that it served a fantastic purpose. It got me to write, and to write with a passion. It was the vehicle that transported me from "thinking" about becoming a writer, and honestly becoming one. For that, I'm thankful.

If I've learned anything over the past several years in my personal life, it's that getting from point A to point B is seldom ever a straight line. And, I have to be okay with that.

XOXO, CJ

Shoe Mood:

Need to relax and go with the flow of life.

The Lemonade Stand Awards!

2009-04-13T20:59:00.003-04:00

Thank you, Bish! I'm so happy! It means so much to be nominated by fellow sister bloggers. I really work hard to give readers what is relevant and encouraging, as well as interesting to them.

The Lemonade Stand Award is awarded for great Gratitude and /or Attitude.

All I have to do is follow a few simple rules:
1. Post the logo on my blog.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great gratitude/attitude.
3. List and link my nominees.
4. Alert them of their nomination on their blog.

Well, I know that most of those that I nominate will have already been nominated. But, here it goes, non-the-less: (They deserve double!)

1. Rena
2. Christina
3. Court
4. Julie
5. Nan
6. Emily
7. Angela
8. Tabitha
9. Renu
10. sruble

They're so many fantastic blogs out there. And, I'm still getting familiar with several of them.

Thank you, again, Bish! XOXO

Also, just for your information, I have posted the first ten pages of one of my current WIPs (I have two), "Jeremy Tremble." If you think you might be interested in taking a look, it's posted on my sidebar below "Where I Like to Visit."

If you feel so inclined, let me know what you think. It would men a lot!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

A little "frisky!" MEOW!!

M&Ms: Motivation and Momentum

2009-04-11T12:18:00.004-04:00

The state of my writing: Sad... I am, however, working diligently on my upcoming ladies' conference notes. May 8th and 9th will be here before I know it!

The state of my reading: Sad... I am, however, diligently reading over those said notes. (I'm also skimming back through Mr. Maass' workbook.)

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work." - Aristotle

My hubby has a passion for M&Ms. He collects those cute novelty dispensers that, when you pull a lever or push a button, or move around some part of the object, a colorful candy coated little piece of heaven drops out. Sometimes, you have to struggle with the device in order to even get the candy out. But, once you do, oh man!

I was digging through our garage the other day, and many of the boxes we still have stored away, when I came across another one of my hubby's lost M&M dispensers. It got me to thinking about those M&Ms (when I usually crave Dove Chocolate), and as one thought led to another, the words motivation and momentum popped into my head.

As writers, wouldn't it be grand if all we had to do to receive motivation and keep up momentum would be to press the "easy button" and grab a few pieces? Unfortunately, it's not like that. The only comparison that I can say holds true is the struggle to get the darn things out!

I think as writers, we must keep these two Ms (motivation and momentum) clear in our hearts and minds. First, we need to ask ourselves what our motivation is. What causes us to act on our inspiration and create something special? What drives us to push through self-doubt and fear of rejection? What propels us when we must sacrifice time with family and friends? What prompts us to keep typing or writing away for hundreds of hours? In a nut shell, why do we do this? Why do we write?

If we don't have a clear and concise motivation, we will lack desire and and passion for our writing. If we're not passionate about it, how can we expect others to be?

Second, we must keep up our momentum as writers. Our momentum determines the length of time it will take to bring our work to completion. It's as simple as that. If we catch a great flow, we work longer and more passionately than if we don't know where we're going with our story lines.

It takes both motivation and momentum, working hand in hand, in order for us to accomplish what we desire in our writing careers. One can't work effectively without the other, in my "humble-bumble" opinion. How can we be motivated to do something if we don't know why we're even doing it?

Sometimes, it's easy for us to lose our way. I know that, like a hound dog, I've had to find my scent in order to get back on the trail to my writing endeavors time and time again. If we keep our motivations before us, then our momentum will come.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Following the yellow-brick road...
Dorothy ain't got nothin' on me! ;-)

Up Close and Personal!

2009-04-07T10:26:00.007-04:00

"Good work doesn't happen with inspiration. It comes with constant, often tedious and deliberate effort." - William Hefferman

Once again, as I've done several times before, I'm enjoying Donald Maass' Writing the Breakout Novel. I have both the book and workbook, and they both continually open my eyes to the industry in amazing ways.

In his book, Mr. Maass stresses the point that it doesn't matter how good we are at self-promoting, or how many books we sign, or how big of an advance we may land, or how great an agent we may have. If we don't write the story well, we won't have longevity in our writing careers. It's as simple as that.

I know that I'm preaching to the choir, but it's good to hear again on occasion; we alone are the ones who control our writing destiny. We decide whether or not we're going to give it everything we've got, or allow things to slide a little (or a lot, as in my case as of late). We decide whether we will hold ourselves accountable, or, when things don't go exactly our way, blame others for their lack of excitement about our project. We alone must stir the reader's emotions with great passion and authenticity. We alone must decide if we're satisfied with just thinking about being a great writer, or in fact, actually becoming one.

If you're a writer, I know that I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know, especially if you're one of the fortunate ones that have found representation and publication. It's just that sometimes we "know" something without really "knowing" it. You know? (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) There's a big difference between "knowing" something in our head, and "knowing" it in our heart. Our head-knowledge doesn't lead us to action. It's the heart-knowledge that does. Passion comes from the heart, not from the head.

To really understand and "know" in my heart that I alone hold the power to break-out, is both exhilarating and terrifying to me. Exhilarating because I feel empowered; I'm not dependent on anyone else for my success or failure. Terrifying because, again, it all depends on me, not my agent, editor, or publisher. They will help me along the way, but they do not write my stories, and they do not birth my visions. The buck stops with me.

So, once again, it's time for me to buckle down, dig deeper, and give everything that I have. If we as writers REALLY want to, we CAN be break-out authors. We can excel, we can succeed. It will take some longer than others, as with any success, but it will happen eventually for all of us who are willing and disciplined enough to pay the price. Yay for us!!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

"Golden" and feeling on top of things!
Wahoo!

Losing Your Voice?

2009-04-05T16:50:00.006-04:00

Well, I'm back. It feels as though I have been gone FOREVER! As I'm sure you've gathered by now, it was a tough week with the passing of my Grandmother last Saturday, and then the traveling to Florida for the services and back again on Friday. Then, yesterday morning called for us to jump right back into the thick of things with our huge Easter event that we host every year. All I can say is, thank God this week is Spring Break and I'm off from school. Even though I still will have a lot to accomplish this week, I can sleep in a little and work from home. YES! Love that!

I was going to dedicate my first post following my return to my precious Mam-maw. But, I'm still processing quite a lot. So, I will hold off until later in the week. I will, however, return to the art of writing.

Question...are you a character or plot motivated writer?

I, myself, am intensely character driven. I don't know why that is, it's just the way I write.

My characters are my motivation. I love all of their quirks, emotions, baggage from past relationships and situations, and just like us, their unpredictability. I'm like a protective mother in some aspects, as I find myself wanting to save them from from their bad decisions and inevitable heartache. Yet, I have to allow them the freedom to learn and grow on their own.

But, I know that every writer is different, as they should be. What would literature be without plot-driven authors as well? I read all kinds of novels, and I'm enriched by the different styles and voice that come from within the soul of each author.

This brings me back to my original question...are you losing your writing voice? I ask because it occurred to me that so many of us, in the motivation to write well, fall prey to trying to become someone else other than ourselves in our voice and/or style. We may be character-driven, but read a great plot-motivated work that inspires us, and find that we want to write just like that, or vice-versa.

It's a wonderful thing for us to remain challenged. I'm reading The Shipping News by Annie Proulx. LOVE IT! I enjoy her unique descriptiveness and abstract thought. I read M.T. Anderson's The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing a few times a year. His use of vocabulary is almost intimidating to me as it challenges me to be a better writer. It thoroughly stretches my brain capacity. Can I learn from these two fabulous award-winning authors? Absolutely. Will I try to glean something from them? Yes. Will I try to BE them? Uh...no. I don't want to be "Anderson-like" or "Proulx-like," I want to be me, CJ.

Each of us should be careful to remain true to what inspires us; to remain true to our personal writing heart. Different prose, voice, and style, give us the diversity of works that are either literary, romance, mystery, fantasy, or...well, you get the picture. We need to continue to embrace our own unique voice, while at the same time, allowing ourselves to be continually challenged and stretched.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Not really a particular mood. I just wore these to church today.
64 degrees. Tootsie-bells just liked being out for some fresh air.

My loved one passed on.

2009-03-29T22:59:00.007-04:00

As many of you know, my precious Grandmother passed away on Saturday, after being given about a week to live. We're heading out in about an hour for our drive down to Florida for the funeral. Hubby is officiating the service as he did with my Grandfather's.

I want to thank you guys. So many of you have poured out your love and prayers for me and my family. I'm so appreciative, and blessed. I've not much to say right now, but I will certainly blog again when I return. I have a special tribute that I'd like to post about this very special lady who played such a great role in why I'm who I am today.

Hope that your week is filled with joy!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Mournful, but not without hope.

Please, Take A Seat!

2009-03-26T14:58:00.006-04:00

The state of my writing: Character building for current WIP. Synopsis for completed MS.

The state of my reading: Still with The Shipping News. Unfortunately, have had A LOT on my plate. Not much time to read the past few days.

"The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair." - Mary Heaton Vorse

Yeah, yeah...I know. It's that whole darn procrastination thingy. We all do it. If you say you don't, well...I don't believe you. Sorry. It's a fact of life.

I think writers are the ones who have the most difficulty with it though. I think it's because there are so many things vying for our time. And, if you're like me, and write from home, with kids, pets, spouses (well, one anyway), housework, other vocational responsibilities, yada, yada, yada, I know that you have had to face focus issues as well.

Well then, how do we beat this attack on our creativity? Here's a few ideas:

1. Take control! Make a plan, man! If we outline our work, we'll know where we're going. Now, I don't mean planning out every single detail (we need to allow our characters to take us on a ride from time to time). But, knowing the skeletal system, if you will. You know, "the bones" of the story from beginning to end. Then later, it will be easier to come back and put flesh on the whole thing. (Even if your ending or certain scenes change, at least you had a plan to serve as a catalyst to keep you going.)

2. Remember your inspiration for telling this particular story in the first place. Revive your enthusiasm for it. If you're bored with it, everyone will most likely be as well.

3. Make a sign for your door. Are you laughing at me? I hear someone laughing. I'm not kidding! It works...at least half of the time. When I have a sign on my door, it cuts my interruptions down considerably. It also shows my family just how serious about this "writing thing" I really am. In time, when your family sees you wandering around the house aimlessly when they though you were in "lock down," they'll begin to ask you why you're not in your room or at your desk writing. Or, they'll ask how far you have gotten on that scene you were working on. It's amazing!

Side note: Our family and friends take their cues from us. Over time, what we are serious about, they will become serious about. If we treat our writing as something optional, they will treat it as optional as well. People mirror our attitudes towards our commitments to "self." If we really mean business, they will eventually get it. Actions do speak much louder than words.

4. Set a "word per day" goal, and keep it! Make sure it's something reasonable for you and your circumstances. Mine is 1,000 when I'm writing fresh (not revising or polishing). But, yours may be as little as 250, or as much as 3,000. I'm just saying that having a goal and meeting it, does something really big inside of us. It boosts our confidence, gives us a feeling of accomplishment, not to mention how quickly we will get through our initial manuscripts when we set a consistent pace for ourselves. Will we use every word that we've written? Heck no! But, we'll sure have a lot of great stuff to work with.

Look, writers write. That's what we do. No more excuses for us if we want to reach our goals. We must write, something, everyday. The more we write, the more we will keep writing. Make sense?

On another note, your thoughts and prayers for my family would be greatly appreciated. My precious Grandmother, Mam-maw to me, was given only a week to live. That was three days ago. I've been grieving my imminent loss and that is why I've not been very inspired to blog about the craft of writing. I've been taken with journaling about her instead. I'll be sure to share with you guys when everything transpires. I will be out of touch for several days when I get "the call," as we have to travel way down south, and will be there about a week or so. I've already been so touched by many of you and your well wishes for me and my family during this time. Love to you.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Self-explanitory.

Got Nerve?

2009-03-21T09:07:00.005-04:00

The state of my writing: Waiting; free-writing my for my current WIP; pondering the world of article writing.

The state of my reading: The Shipping News by Annie Proulx

"You need a certain amount of nerve to be a writer." - Margaret Atwood

Isn't that the truth? It takes a lot of nerve actually. Think about it. We must create something from nothing but a moment of inspiration. And then, have others believe in it as well.

It could be a conversation that we have overheard that holds the promise of a great story. Or, some stranger catches our eye and makes us wonder about the life they've led. Maybe we imagine ourselves in another place and time living a completely different life, and consider what that might have been like for us. You know what I mean? All of the "what if's?" They are infinite in their possibilities.

It's those little moments of "nothing," the "what if's," that can end up being a whole lot of something. And, then it takes even more nerve to find other individuals (agents/ editors/ publishers/ readers) who believe that we have a whole lot of "something" too.

Even now, I still am trying to find out if my imminent work of brilliance is of interest to anyone. Hellooo...any takers???? *tongue is firmly planted inside of cheek*

Extraordinary patience, perseverance, dedication, self-discipline, and resilience is what it takes for writers to even get started in the first place. And then, to finish. Those same characteristics must continue on once the query, synopsis, or manuscript is in another individual's hands. The waiting and the wondering. Ughhh, just the whole process from start to finish is enough to send writers to the "farm."

Webster's Thesaurus lists the following words to describe nerve: bravery, spirit, courage, boldness, strength, stamina, bravado, and daring.

Wow! That describes us in spades!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Walking tall and brave with as much bravado as I can muster.

What do you see?

2009-03-18T12:20:00.004-04:00

Status - *sigh* Still waiting.

Now, moving on...

"Often while reading a book one feels that the author would have preferred to paint rather than write; one can sense the pleasure he derives from describing a landscape or a person, as if he were painting what he is saying, because deep in his heart he would have preferred to use brushes and color." - Pablo Picasso

I'm somewhat of a painter myself, and I have to say that Mr. Picasso got it right, to a point. I agree with him up to the part when he said, "...because deep in his heart he would have preferred to use brushes and color." When I have finished a particularly visual scene that works beautifully (in my mind, anyway), trust me, I'm ecstatic that it's on paper and not on canvas. It's a real challenge to take people where you are in the mind, and for them to be able to "get it."

It was the author's love of story-telling, and his/her obvious strength in showing the reader what he/she (the author) was seeing in their mind's eye. The writer must have been brilliant in the use of description to impress Pablo Picasso to such a degree as to move him to speak about it. What Picasso was really experiencing was the art of "showing" not "telling." And, an art form it truly is.

We hear about it all of the time in writer's workshops, how-to books, conferences, newsletters, writer's magazines... the list goes on and on. But, sometimes, it can still be hard to wrap our head around it all. And then, when we understand it, the challenge is not to go overboard.

When I was just beginning to write, with dedication, I could get the showing part down, but then I confused it with "fluffy-stuffing." I used a lot of adjectives, and flowery prose. I had to learn balance. I had to come to the understanding that "showing" was not all about the pretty scenery or the storm clouds on the horizon. It was also about the actions and emotions of my characters as well.

I learned the difference between this:

She walked away, angry at him for what he had said to her about the other night.

And this:

She stormed back toward the house, stomping her feet as if she were a five year-old. Mumbling something indiscernible, she swung open the screened door with such force, one would have thought it was going to come off of its hinges. "Who does he think he is, saying such a thing to me about the other night?" she asked herself, hot with anger.

Or, something along those lines.

Can you see it? Can you see this girl literally throwing a hissy fit?

Now, I'm not a pro, by any means. I just know that there are a lot of writers out there who struggle in this area. There was a quote from Anton Chekov that clarified it all for me. He said, "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." That did it for me; I had my moment of learning.

I encourage you to look through your work and see if you can find where you've only told about your character versus showing what is going on with them. Think about how you may be able to expand the experience, and write what you see. It makes all of the difference.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Spitting and polishing!

A Little More of "Paddy!"

2009-03-17T06:29:00.004-04:00

Just in case you're wondering who St. Patrick really was. And, check out all of the other interesting facts about the history of this holiday.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

The only shoes I own with green in them!
(Now if this were a jacket, accessory, or blouse "mood," that would be a different story!)

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable we have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde.

Blarney!

2009-03-15T09:20:00.009-04:00

Status: (Something new I’d thought I’d add. You know, just for the heck of it.) Still waiting to hear from the agent I queried about a month ago. If she’s interested in seeing more, then I should hear within a few weeks. If not, I won’t hear a thing. Bummer.

A Happy (early) St. Patrick’s Day to all of my fellow Irish lads and lasses! As well as all of you wannabes! (You know who you are.) I hope you have a great time celebrating this special day.

blarney |ˈblärnē| (New Oxford Edition Dictionary) noun talk that aims to charm, pleasantly flatter, or persuade : he had the “street charm” of an Irish politician, but this blarney concealed his inner self. • amusing and harmless nonsense : this story is perhaps just a bit of blarney. verb ( -neys, -neyed) [ trans. ] influence or persuade (someone) using charm and pleasant flattery. ORIGIN late 18th cent.: named after Blarney, a castle near Cork in Ireland, where there is a stone said to give the gift of persuasive speech to anyone who kisses it.

Some call it "Blarney." Others, simply the gift of story-telling. I think it's a little of both. Many of us of Irish heritage who write, like to think that we have a little something "in the blood" if you will. Something genetically encoded within our being, that burns with a passion for the craft. All I know is that I have a desperate love for the art of story-telling. It's a gift.

"The purpose of life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give it away." - Unknown

A dear friend told me that once. Actually, she had made me a little box that holds "truths" in it. She made it for me for my "life journey." I love it, and keep it on my desk at all times to remind me to remain true to myself. I reached for that tiny box this morning, as I have many times before. I've just grown a little weary in well doing. All of the waiting, reworking, revising, hoping, and possessing of my soul through the work of patience. All of the self-doubt that we as writers face at times. Even though we band together, and have one another, writing can still be a lonely place.

"Why do I do this?" I often ask myself, already knowing the answer to this rhetorical question. "Because I am a writer." But, why? "Because it is my gift." That truth was right on top of the stack in that tiny little box, as if it knew I needed to hear its voice this morning. It encouraged me greatly.

We know, as writers, that we have a gift. It's not something that just anybody can do. Now, I'm not saying that we're an elitist group. Absolutely not! I'm just saying that not everyone has the same gift. I can paint pretty well, but I'm no Picasso! I enjoy cooking, but it doesn't stir me inside (no pun intended). Unfortunately for my family, I can take it or leave it. Wolfgang Puck would shudder to see the state of my pantry or fridge.

If you are a writer, and if you identify with writing first and foremost as your passion, and your heartfelt desire, and as something that you see yourself doing for the rest of your life, no matter the outcome, that is your gift. If writing makes your heart sing or your heart go "pitter-patter," it's your gift. It's one of your purposes in life. (Of course, you have to be good at it as well. That's where the honing of your craft comes in. The dedication to learning the art of writing.)

If it is, then, our purpose to give our gift away, then give it away we must. We must give others the best of ourselves after first purifying our motives. Do we write to receive only? Or, do we write for the enjoyment and enrichment of others? We must think about our readers. We must be aware that they are on this journey with us. They must believe that we have them in our grasp, taking them step by step, exposing them to the elements. They are, very much, a part of what we do. In other words, we must give them the best of ourselves.

When someone closes a book after having read the last page and says, "What a story!" then, they have benefited from the author's writing. Another facet of existence has opened up for them. And, the author has gained another friend. The author has given the reader an intimate look into their heart, and a big chunk of themselves. The reader knows this, and has appreciated the gift. The gift had meaning, because the author had mastered the gift, then gave it away.

It is my desire to master my gift and then give it away. It is my hope that one day, someone will close the cover of my novel and say, "Wow!"

I wish the same for you.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

It's been a quiet and reflective kind of morning.

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."
- Oscar Wilde

Thank you! Just thought I'd say that.

2009-03-10T16:07:00.006-04:00

Today I was reading my daily blog list and Rachelle Gardner had posted about the "Long and Winding Road" of the publishing process. She encouraged her readers to share their writing journeys. As I began to post just a "smidgen" of mine, it occurred to me... I have gained some really fabulous writing friends along the way.

When I began this journey, six or so years ago, I was a lonely newbie in this arena. I was completely clueless as to the process. I tried so hard to find out what info I could about the industry and the craft of writing, but when you don't know what to look for, it's kinda hard to look for it. Make sense? So, I searched and searched for the unknown. I would find author sites and eventually came to the promised land of writer's forums and agent's blogs. I've since learned a lot of very hard lessons. And, was fortunate enough to gain friends who could "feel my pain."

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you all are out there, published, unpublished, aspiring, noted, poets, novelists, and what-not, who are willing to take the time and energy to invest in others. It's a wonderful thing to be there for one another, helping to lift one up when times are difficult, and celebrate personal victories when, some years and years in the making, come to fruition.

I know that not all of you comment all of the time, but, I do know you visit. And, just let me say, "Thank you." My writing life has been so enriched by your input and enthusiasm for this blog (as well as the one I had prior to this one). And, for those of you that have blogs that I follow, writers and agents, thank you for what you do. The information, encouragement, and just plain forthrightness has been priceless.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Baring my "sole." Tee! Hee!

Don't ya just love library book sales?!

2009-03-05T13:51:00.008-05:00

OMGosh! I have to tell y'all how I made out at my neighborhood library's book sale! I bought the following books, ALL, for $16.00. No Joke! Here they are:

Hardcover:
The Iliad
War and Peace
Canterbury Tales
The Odyssey
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare
Quentins by Maeve Binchy

Paperback:
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy
The Shipping News by Annie Proulx
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Diary of Anne Frank

I had no idea that they were even having a book sale. It was our usual day to visit the library and when we got there, I couldn't find a place to park. Then, I read the sign and realized what the heck was going on. BOOK SALE!!!!! I only had $16.00 cash on me. I'm serious, had they taken debit cards, I would have had to rent a U-Haul! All of my books were in excellent condition. And, although I do already own some of them in paperback, I HAD to pick up the hardcovers. And The Shipping News is one of my FAVES! Been meaning to buy it for some time now.

This is how I act EVERY TIME that I hit a library book sale. You'll hear stuff like this from me a few times a year. Sorry! Just want to encourage everyone to BUY, BUY, BUY when they happen.

So, you may be asking me as a writer, and aspiring published author, how would I feel about people buying my book for hardly anything? Well, if readers were to buy a cheap book from anyplace, I'd prefer it be the library. It was all for a great cause. Supporting your local library supports literacy. And, when literacy wins, we all win.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

With the right shoes and enough cash,
I could have gone ALL day!

Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!

2009-03-02T09:09:00.008-05:00

Yes, today is Dr. Seuss' Birthday. Isn't it delightful? Today would have been his 105th birthday.

Even as an adult, I still love Dr. Seuss. Don't you? What an amazing soul! And, to have published as many books as he did in his lifetime. What an accomplishment.

Theodor "Seuss" Geisel was his "real" name. And, no, he wasn't a doctor.

At the time of his death on September 24, 1991, he had written and illustrated 44 children's books, including all-time favorites, Green Eggs and Ham, Oh, the Places You'll Go, Fox in Socks, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. His books had been translated into more than 15 languages. Over 200 million copies have been sold.

His honors included two Academy awards, two Emmy awards, a Peabody award and the Pulitzer Prize.

He made a point of not beginning the writing of his stories with a moral in mind, saying that "kids can see a moral coming a mile off." But, he was not against writing about issues. He said "there's an inherent moral in any story"and had said that he was "subversive as hell." Love him!

His brilliance was in that he wrote most of his books in anapestic tetrameter, a poetic meter also used by many poets of the English language. He credited learning this method from his beloved mother who used to lull him and his siblings to sleep by chanting rhymes that she had learned during her childhood.

I continue to be inspired by his brilliance. Even though I do not write picture books. It's his beautiful use of language. How he mixed his sublime ideas with simplistic prose.

Even now, as I read his splendidly ingenious stories to my pre-k class, I recognize the glimmer in the eyes and the excitement in their soul as they "get it." They just do...because he "got" them.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
- Dr. Seuss The Lorax

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Very "Dr. Seuss-ie" indeed!

Happy Place...Happy Place...Happy Place...

2009-02-27T14:30:00.009-05:00

Well, I think I'm fine now. After I had that melt-down of sorts the other day. It wasn't a total nuclear thing, just a minor ordeal. It got me to thinking though. We've become so comfortable with the known and expected, that when BIG change comes, we freak. At least I do. It's hard for me to digest that our country is morphing and groaning with alteration, and with it, so is business as usual. It's a little hazy out there...a little murky.

This whole publishing thing is driving me up the wall. Are we going to have to build a "web presence" just to get read? Are cyber-fans a writer's future? Will we be holding Kindles instead of flipping lovely worn pages. I had mentioned in an earlier post that maybe Yankee Candle will have to come out with a new fragrance called "Dusty Pages" or maybe "Leather Binding." Who knows? All I do know is this...I LOVE to write. And I feel that this is what I'm supposed to do with my life (along with a few other things). So, whatever the changes are in this crazy industry, whether it be the raising of the writing standards because agents are taking on fewer previously unpublished authors, or the increased rejections by agents because publishing houses are cutting back and aren't taking the risk on new authors due to the economy, or WHATEVER...I just have to remain quietly discontented. Quiet in my heart and discontented in my writing. I have to keep growing and sharpening my skills, while refusing to lose my peace in all of this craziness.

It's gonna be a long hard road for those of us who have not yet broken into the industry. But, won't the victory be all the sweeter? To be noticed during such a turbulent time as this will speak volumes (no pun inteded). We have to be on our best game. Put our best stiletto forward. Reach deeper, and go farther, than ever before. More discipline, more stretching, and more challenges to self. More writing! More reading!

Rachelle Gardner posed a great question today. Check it out. I've asked myself many times if I'm supposed to be a published author or just a writer for hobby. How do I know which I am? (How do you know which one you are?) By listening to our inner-most self. Being brutally honest and forthright. That's how. Is this our true identity or one we've adopted on our own? Are we self-ordained or destined? These are the questions that rise to the top during times like these. You know? When the going gets really tough. It is now that we discover what we are truly made of, and why we are made that way. And, if we truly believe that we are to be one of the "published ones" then no hell or high water should serve to discourage us during this arduous process. It will only serve to sharpen our iron and strengthen our resolve.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

My best stiletto is forward!

Just when I thought I knew me...

2009-02-21T18:36:00.006-05:00

I don't know if other writers and readers are feeling like me or not...a little queasy about the economy and the projected path that our country may be headed for. When I took my girls up to the library the other day for our regular visit, I checked out two books (as usual). One that is a serious, dark classical piece of work and one that is a light hearted and sassy romp through superficial terrain. After attempting to "get into" the jazzy, breezy story of the witty girl trying to land the cute, single, straight, rich guy, all while in her 4" stilettos, I'm finding that I'm not so interested in the light hearted and sassy chick-lit right now. I'm drawn to the more serious literature. Today, I feel like these funny little beach-day books were from another time, when a big problem would be whether or not Gucci was having a trunk sale on the day I had scheduled botox.* Bummer! I just couldn't do it! It just seemed so, out of touch...for now, that is.

So, I've set aside the frivolous frolick and have opted for John Steinbeck. Good lord! What is happening to me?!

Now, if you were to ask me if I've quit buying shoes during all of this, I'd have to say, no. I've bought two more pair and a pair of designer sunglasses to go with them. (All on sale, of course!) Actually, the drive to shop and eat mass quantities of chocolate has, unfortunately, been on the increase. So, shopping habits still intact, it's only been my reading that has taken a serious turn. Maybe by the time I'm finished with "East of Eden" I'll be sooooo ready for some "funtabulous" chick-lit, while wearing designer shades and strappy wedges.

Do you find that your reading habits right now are reflecting what's going on around you? When times seem difficult, do you read the heavy stuff or do you need the reprive you get from characters with shopping addictions and colorful martinis? I was shocked! I thought for sure I would want the light stuff, but I went full-blown "lumbering soul, but trying to fly," as Mr. Steinback would say. Geesh! Well, it could have been "Grapes of Wrath!" But, that's for an even darker day.

* Disclaimer - I've NEVER had botox injections. Not yet, anyway.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

A little dark. A little mournful.
But, still having a sense of humor about it all!

Lovely Locks

2009-02-16T10:34:00.013-05:00

Today I'm not writing about, well, writing. I have to tell y'all what happened on Saturday. My youngest, who is ten, decided that she wanted to get her hair cut and donate her VERY long hair to cancer patients. I was so touched. This was a decision that she had considered and made on her own, with absolutely NO influence from her parents.

She had never had her hair cut in a "real" salon. She has always just wanted to wear it straight, and kinda hippie-ish. Therefore, I was always the one to give her her trims and such. But, when she decided to donate her hair, her father and I thought it would be great to take her to a really nice place geared for girls her age. We have a place here called, "Sweet and Sassy," and boy is it both! She had a blast.

They pampered her, and treated her like the princess that she is. And, most of all, she felt like one. This was a big step that I really felt needed to be documented. So, here it is from start to finish (well, sorta).

Getting ready for the big cut!

It looked like it was gonna hurt! Over 8", people!

So proud of my "Boo-Bear!"

Tina, her stylist, even sprayed her bangs pink and doused her with fairy-dust. Of course, we had to buy the "Cup-Cake" scented hair-shots to go with the whole experience.

Her hair is being donated to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths Campaign. Please, if you ever consider donating your hair (I know that I'm going to when the time comes to cut my length), please donate to this campaign. They DO NOT charge cancer patients like the other well known hair donation site does. It's a wonderful and compassionate thing to do. All of the guidelines can be found at the Pantene Beautiful Lengths Campaign site.

Hair donation is something that is close to my heart, as is any thing that helps women who have faced difficult and challenging experiences, feel good about themselves. This is just another wonderful way that we can help our sisters who have suffered so much physically and emotionally. Feeling beautiful goes a long way in building inner-confidence and a healthy self-esteem.

By the way, "Boo-Bear" LOVES her hair! She hasn't stopped playing with it since Saturday. Tee! Hee!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

"Sweet and Sassy" just like my girl!

Courageous Souls!

2009-02-12T20:08:00.004-05:00

Where in the heck does the time go? I could have sworn that I just blogged two days ago. I must be in a time warp or something. Things have been so crazy. Never a dull moment, I'm afraid. But, I don't like for too much time to pass without touching base with y'all, and airing whatever it is that's swelling my brain and causing my eyes to go all "buggy."

I'm kinda overwhelmed with school right now. I'm getting ready for early enrollment for next year, parent tours, and prepping for spring conferences. Then I have to begin planning the graduation ceremony for my little guys, and I haven't begun to plan my March lessons yet, and... well, you get the point. My writing has taken a back seat as well this week. So, Saturday will be the day. I have to finish my revisions. Especially because I thought I was finished to begin with. OOOPS! No, I just really felt that a last minute shift in a certain area would be beneficial to the story. I believe that it will be richer for it.

These are hard decisions that we as writers make. Are we over thinking the process, or under whelmed with the result? Just like with the stone analogy that I gave you the last time, it takes great effort to do what we do, and to walk away from a completed work, feeling good about it all.

I have been thinking a lot about writers lately. No one writer, in particular. Just writers in general. Man, are we brave souls! We are a truly unique breed of people. We are practically gluttons for punishment. We work and work and work without pay. We only have the hope of eventual compensation for a story well told. We have to have the patience of Job. We daily place a demand on our creativity, and stretch our comfort zones. We are constantly asking ourselves, "What if?" and "Then what?" We rip to shreds, time and time again, the very thing that we have poured our heart and soul into. We have to be brutal. We have to be brutally honest. We even talk to ourselves...uh, did I say that out loud? Yes, I dialogue aloud. Please don't tell me I'm the only one. I'll not believe it! Yes, we are different. In a good way, of course. We are courageous.

"A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Everyday sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort." - Sydney Smith

Continue to be courageous. No matter where you are in this arduous process. For those of us who have not yet tasted the joy of representation or the triumph of publication, it's all right. We are all at a different place and will have our day if we stick to it, continue to hone our craft, and remain teachable as we learn more and more about this industry. Remain courageous! Keep stretching! And, most of all, don't give up. (This has actually been a pep talk for me. Hope it did something for you as well. Tee! Hee!)

"Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs." - Malcolm Forbes

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Digging in my 4" heels and holding on for dear life!

Singing Stones

2009-02-07T13:51:00.005-05:00

"Like stones, words are laborious and unforgiving, and the fitting of them together, like the fitting of stones, demands great patience and strength of purpose and particular skill." - Edmond Morrison

Amen, brother! I have always loved that quote. It helps me to keep things in perspective. I'm at a place right now, (in my revision) where there can be a fantastic surprise, if you will. Another unexpected twist. I know it's there. But, I've not figured it out yet. I refuse to go on until I "get it." It's gonna take some patience and skill to work this thing out. It's hiding in the shadows just waiting for me to call it out and expose it.

This is what thrills me about the writing process. We as the writers can be just as surprised at times by the turn of events that happen in our stories as those who are the readers. Then, we must fit everything together, smoothly and seamlessly. Authentically. It all has to make great sense. It has to be real.

I do feel as though I'm laboring on a great stone wall at times. Each stone, large or small must have it's place. If it doesn't, then it must be thrown to the side for another time, maybe. I may love the stone, I may think it's beautiful, but if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, period. Then, there are the spaces of wall that need that special stone. That standout one, that lends to the overall beauty of the work. It may be the stone that has the hue of a gray mist amidst the otherwise beige tones of the soil. Or the dusky red of a mid-west sunset. Either way, you know it belongs among the mass of other stones in order to have a beautiful and completed work of something special. Something that sings.

It is difficult, arduous, and daunting at times. But, when it's all finished, and we can stand back and look at the completed work, hopefully, it will sing.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

I want my work to sing and dance! Kareoki anyone?

Friendly debate, anyone?

2009-02-02T18:05:00.003-05:00

Now, I'm not one for stirring up trouble. Well... okay, maybe just a little. Anyhoo, I was watching a cable news program the other day, and I was privy to a most interesting debate. Should kids continue to be taught cursive writing in school? Or, is this just "old school," throw it out and teach them to type instead? I'll not say where I stand on this issue at this point and time. (Don't be fooled, I do have an opinion on this matter.)

Some feel as though cursive writing is a dying art-form. If we loose it, we will lose something sacred. And, others believe that teaching young children to type is the only way to insure their success in a media and techno savvy driven world. From text-ing and emailing, to blogging and AIMing, to mediums such as Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc., those who don't learn to be proficient in their typing skills will be left behind. Although, isn't it nice to receive a handwritten note or letter by "snail mail" every once and a while? And, isn't it important that children today learn how to write smoothly and effortlessly when taking notes? (Oh yeah, there's the laptop and other means by which to do so.) What do you think? Are you for one or the other? Or, are you torn right down the middle?

Just thought I'd ask... talk amongst yourselves.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Can you "Guess" what I think? Tee! Hee!
(I know, I'm such a doof!)

Snow Days and Painful Workouts

2009-01-28T18:10:00.006-05:00

Yup... another Snow Day. Another day to stay warm and fuzzy at home. So, I dedicated this day to peaceful and productive writing endeavors. And, it worked! Even with both of my girls at home, I got a whole heck of a lot done on my WIP, not to mention a few other things I'm trying to finish. But, as satisfied as I am with how today went, I cannot rest on my, well, laurels. Much is still left to be done.

And, speaking of laurels, as quick as my mind has been today, I cannot say the same for my body. There is a difference when you work out with a personal trainer. OUCH!!!! My friend, Leanne, has taken me on and is challenging me to be more fit at 41 than I've ever been. Now, I'd like to think that I'm up for that challenge. However, today I'm finding it difficult to pull up my hair, and I can't seem to apply lip gloss any longer with my right hand. Let's not talk about potty time, kay? I think I've lost permanent use of my extremities. Thank goodness, I didn't have to do three reps of 25 with a 10lb weight with my fingers, or today would have been a bust, and this post would have been non-existent.

After one full hour of non-stop working out, I had to walk across the gym to grab the cleanser for the dumbbells, mat, and other stuff we used. I thought for sure I was gonna fall, my legs shaking and wobbling under the stress of my body. That would have been entertaining for some, and totally embarrassing for me! But, I just sucked it up, and walked slowly and methodically until I felt as though I had control of my body. Then, I thought I might throw up. My friend, the personal trainer, says I'm tough... I just didn't want to look like an idiot. That was Monday... today is Wednesday.

Yesterday, I made it through my 20 minute ride on my elyptical trainer, but I got stuck on the floor when I attempted yoga. It took me some time to get up. For a few moments, I thought I'd have to wait and let my family find me when they got home.

My hubby and girls try not to laugh at me as I slowly and arduously make my way up and down the stairs, lamenting the entire time. However, as painful as today has been, I know that it will be worth it in the long run... once I get the use of my arms and legs back.

Oh, what we do to look hot! (Ummm, I mean be healthy.)

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

How would these babies look with some nicely sculpted calves... hmmmmm?

Are cyber fans a writer's future?

2009-01-23T11:53:00.008-05:00

As I was perusing through my daily visit of my fave blogs, I came across this very interesting article on Rachelle Gardner's page. Very insightful, although be it a little bit scary (as, I'm not usually one for change that involves the staples of my life). I understand that change is ever constant. I'm thankful for my computers and my Blackjack II, my IPod and other things that make life easier. But, in my heart, I wish that there were some things that would stand the test of time. How would this future of publishing feel to you?

(Read this)

For those of us who love the smell of books, I guess "Yankee Candle" is going to need to come out with a new fragrance... "Dusty Pages" maybe?

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Never fear when stilettos are near!

Awww... shucks!

2009-01-21T14:09:00.012-05:00

Sweet Bish (not sweet dish) over at "Random Thoughts" nominated me for this really cool award! Thanks, Bish! XOXO

The Kreativ Blogger (award)

All I have to do is list seven (7) things I love and then pass this award on to seven (7) "Kreativ" people. As with Bish, I'll not list my family for obvious reasons. They are my major top priority and the loves of my life!!!

Now, these are not in any particular order:

1. My Lord and Savior, Abba, Papa, Daddy, & Father. Without whom, I'd be nothing, and have nothing. Not even the breathe of life.

2. The ocean. Like us, every wave is unique. No two waves are the same. They don't even carry the same exact sound as they crash onto the shore. Each wave sings a different song that rings in my heart, as it gently blows its wet salty breathe onto my face.

3. The changing of the seasons. Every three months nature alters herself as if an artist driven by perfection feels compelled to take her paint brush and rework the canvas. It lends a rhythm to life.

4. Our Bogie "The Dancing Wonderdog" and Scotch the cat. Self explanatory, huh?

5. My old cozy cottage.

6. My girlfriends. Each and every one of my precious sister-hood. I could not have lived such a beautiful life without them. "My life was a drought and your friendship was rain." XOXO

7. My beautiful life.

Now, that I've dried my eyes and blown my nose, I offer the same wonderful award to the following (It's kinda hard 'cause I know that several of my blogger friends have already been nominated. If you've already received this from elsewhere, GREAT JOB!):

1. Mary Ann
2. Rena
3. Courtney
4. Tabitha
5. Danette
6. Nora

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Feeling a bit "Girlie and Twirly!"

Fiction has to make sense...

2009-01-19T12:50:00.010-05:00

Well, after successfully procrastinating on Facebook for about an hour by planting virtual trees to save the rain forests and trying to recruit friends for the "Feel Your Boobies" breast cancer awareness cause, I finally logged out and sat staring at my monitor hoping for something revelatory to reach out and grab me. Ughhhh! Revisions.

I enjoy free writing so much better than the revising. I think because, as I've mentioned before, I have a constant and sometimes nasty struggle between my "Editing Diva" and my "Free-Spirited Muse." I'm literally equal parts right and left-brainer. 49% vs. 51%. So, my creative flow is many times stifled by Editor Diva's pushy perfectionism. Particularly during this process. I've found my free-spirited muse tied up and gagged in the corner a few times during this revision.

I have the disease called "paralysis of analysis." I over think things and fret and stress. "Maybe I shouldn't have nixed that scene or dialogue. Maybe I should take this out... no, I need to take out this instead. Oh, I should expound on this a bit," and so on and so on. I'm very close to finishing this revision, so I'm spending a lot of time asking myself, "Who's gonna read this?" And, "Who am I going to appeal to?" I believe that I already know, but when you struggle with such a disease as POA, self-doubt haunts you. Actually, it runs you down, beats you up and steals your lunch money.

"The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

It's the making sense that's such a huge deal. My manuscript makes absolute and beautiful sense to me. But, am I able to sit back with honest and un-bias discernment and understand if it will make sense to others? Will they feel my passion? Will they "get" the story? Will they fall in love with my characters as I have and think about them long after they've put the book down? Will an agent sigh a sigh of contentment after reading the last line of the manuscript and say, "That was a great story. One I will remember for a long time."

These are my prerequisites to knowing that I've written something really good. I don't want mediocre for my writing life. I'd rather wait four years and get it right, than squeeze something out that's fair in less time. (I've done that before and have regretted it ever since.) I simply want to take the reader's breathe away.

Now, I know that this has been quite a transparent post. I've aired my current vulnerabilities, defenseless against the yet unknown opinions of those that will matter. But, I don't think that I'm feeling much different about the ending of this revision process as many of you out there who are enduring the same thing and hearing the same "voices." Yep, I said voices as in "voices in the head." As SEAL has said, "We're never gonna survive unless we get a little bit crazy!" That song has actually been my personal theme song since I began writing.

We're gonna fly people! And, if we're gonna fly, we need to be just a little bit "touched."

That's the thing about the writing life. Writers need to be a little... how should I say it? "Off?" Who else in the world would sign up for a job that has so much more rejection than any other (aside from parenting)? We ask for it in order to help us grow and develop. We write, rewrite, revise, re-revise, query, query, query, query, and then, we wait and wait and wait, sometimes for months. And after a long while, hopefully, it happens... we get a, "Yes!" Then, there's the editing process and agents subbing to publishing houses. Let's not even get started on that. Then, we do it all over again.

WOW! We are some crazy people! Gluttons for punishment. But, it's worth it all when it all comes together. We do it all for the love and passion of the craft.

So, I've said all of this to say, I'm almost finished with my current revisions, and then on to querying again. And, I'm feeling just a little bit vulnerable. Thanks for hearing me out. You guys rock!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Getting comfy for the long run!

It should never be zero degrees!

2009-01-17T09:10:00.005-05:00

Okay... I'm a true native Southerner now living in the Northeast. This morning, I woke up to ZERO degrees! I'm freezing my southern bumm off! (Well, maybe that won't be such a bad thing, after all.) The fire is going, and the heaters are on. My coffee is steaming. But, I still feel a chill. Ughhhh! It should NEVER be zero degrees!

Just had to vent... thanks for letting me.

Anyhoo, I wanted to say sorry that it's been a few days since my last post. Things have been a little bit hectic. As I'm sure it is with most of us. I'm currently revising my manuscript that I dug out of the drawer after two years in hiding. It's been really cool to see it with fresh eyes and new ideas. If it was good then, I hope it will be great now. We'll see.

Then, I have my current WIP which is very exciting for me. I think it may be my fave yet.

The hardest thing for me, until recently, has been to find focus. But now, I feel as though I'm falling into place and the pieces of my life are organizing themselves in spite of myself. Does that make sense?

I'm feeling more confident, and ordered in my writing.

I love what H.G. Wells once said, "I write as straight as I can, just as I walk as straight as I can, because that is the best way to get there." Brilliant!

Maybe that's where I am right now. I'm learning to be lean and straight forward without all the fluff and stuff. I'm not so impressed with myself anymore, or my flowery language. I'm honest. Which in turn, will keep my characters honest and believable. And my descriptive voice, easy and exciting to listen to. I hope so, anyway.

"Good writers are those who keep the language efficient. That is to say, keep it accurate, keep it clear." - Ezra Pound

I agree. It's the "doing it" that has been such a challenge.

I hope all is well with you friends! Hope you stay warm and inspired.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Growing Pains

2009-01-07T12:17:00.005-05:00

The other evening, my youngest daughter and I sat on the couch and watched "You've Got Mail" for the 35,000th time, and still enjoyed every moment of it. My daughter likes it because she loves books and thinks that I'm a lot like "Kathleen Kelly." I love it because of the story line, three of my fave actors being in it, and of course the setting in NYC.

Even after the 35,000th viewing, we still cried at the same place that we do every single time. We simply call it, "the twirl" scene. You see, we used to twirl and dance like I'm sure many of you mothers and your daughters did together. We've picked larkspurs and Queen Ann's Lace, taken walks, have run through fields of wild flowers, rolled down hills, tickled, giggled, and just plain laughed together. We still do. But something about watching "the twirl" scene had a deeper emotional impact on my girl this time. She cried deeply. When I finished my weeping episode and asked her if she were okay, she said, "No... I'm growing up too fast."

I never realized that we both had been crying about the same thing. I cried because I remember so fondly my little dancer, and I could never imagine my life without her. She cried because she remembers being my little "boo bear" who was my always constant companion when she was younger. "I'm just growing up and getting big too fast, Momma. I'm going to miss this (snuggle time) when I grow all the way up. Sometimes, I wish I were little again."

"I know, sweetie, I know," I said. "I'm right there with you. But I have to say that I love who you are growing up to be, and I wouldn't exchange that for anything in the world."

We dried our tears, kissed each other and sat back to watch the rest, knowing that we'd cry again when we heard Brinkley bark and Joe Fox come walking around the corner calling his dog's name. Then, "Don't cry shop girl..." And, we did.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Home relaxing because of a "Snow Day." YAY!

Believe in yourself and in your own voice...

2009-01-03T08:53:00.005-05:00

I hope these first few days of 2009 have brought with it a renewed sense of self for my wonderful friends who have longed to find their voice or determination to see certain writing challenges through for this next year. I feel like a new person, myself. That may sound like a bit of a cliche', but, it's true non-the-less. I mentioned some of these changes in my "life" blog, but for those of you who visit me here, this is what has happened within me as I ushered in the new and said "ta-ta" to the old.

It has become my choice to be in love with life. To change my outlook on things that have recently annoyed, irritated, and just plain stole my precious creative flow (whether it be in writing, painting, our simply planning my pre-k lessons). Things are not always going to be perfect, or even remotely nice. But, as long as we choose our battles and not allow ourselves to be sucked dry by the “fleas on the dog of life,” we should be fine.

I’ve seen friends lose much this past year, and have watched as they’ve coped. It has made me all the more thankful for what I’ve been entrusted with. I’ve learned more about what is truly important.

I’ve been very introspective lately as I've contemplated the new year. I hate to say that I’ve made resolutions. Most likely because the ones I’ve made in the past were rarely kept. I think because they’ve been more of a superficial type of nature, like promising myself I’m going to exercise everyday, or drink more water, or buy fewer shoes (just kidding), or... you get my point? This year it has been more of an in depth kinda thing. From the inside out versus the outside in. Maybe it came with age. I don’t know. I just know that it came. I’m more resolute, dedicated, and determined than ever in certain areas of my life and future endeavors.

And, what will come of all this? Enjoying life and how beautiful it is. That is my hope, anyway. Laughing when things are funny, appreciating the beauty in the small things, and crying if only absolutely necessary. Not worrying about things that are out of my control (which is just about everything), and continuing to smile at everyone. When hugging, really holding that person, and when telling “girlie” things to friends, snicker like a school-girl. Savoring my kids, and their precious moments that flit by like a vapor and become a distant memory all too soon. Re-investing myself in my family and friends. People is what life is all about.

On the writing front, I want to reach deeper than ever before and pull out myself from my toes. I want to soak up the wisdom of others and grow in patience and endurance. I truly want to meticulously hone my craft. I want to honestly believe in my voice, while remaining teachable and pliable.

Jayne Ann Krentz said, "Believe in yourself and in your own voice, because there will be times in this business when you will be the only one who does."

It takes a lot of "stick-to-it-tiveness" when writers are faced with loads of rejection. But, stick-to-it we must. If we do, this could be the best year yet.

I sure do love and appreciate you all! You have kept me going when I’ve wanted to give up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for joining me on my journey.

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

I'm walking on sunshine! Whoa!

Be not the slave of your own past...

2008-12-30T14:22:00.004-05:00

I think that I mentioned something about reflection earlier in one of my posts. That's where I've been lately... in a place of introspection and self-awaking with regard to my writing endeavors. Now, I'm certainly not trying to sound too deep. I'm simply stating what's happening in me. Now, this has happened before, to a degree. But, never with such resolve as I've seemed to muster this time around. I'm determined to go beyond my past.

On of my favorite quotes comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson. I even have it framed and on my bookshelf in my writing area. (Mary Engelbreit painted a great pic to go with the quote.) He said, "Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old."

That, my friends, is where I am today. As I contemplate 2009, and what I wish to accomplish, I meditate on this wisdom. Now, I cannot guarantee my self to be a published success. What I can guarantee, or shall I say what power I hold, is that of resolution and dedication to the craft. If I give it my best, my true and honest best of self, I can insure that whatever happens, I can be assured that my time will come.

I hope this serves as inspiration and encouragement for those of you struggling to find your voice or your identity as a writer. Always remember... writers write!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:

Getting back to business!

Now, this is just a little something that I do on my website. Everyone seemed to love knowing what "shoe mood" I was in from day to day. So, I thought I'd do it here. It's just a little fun way that I like to express myself. ;-)

I'm Feeling "Scrappy" Today...

2008-12-27T11:40:00.005-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas this year. We sure did in my house. It was a very reflective one as well as relaxing. There was something quite pensive and peaceful about it all. Very different from years past. Not that they haven't been nice, it's just that I think I'm in a different "place" this year. Things took on a deeper meaning for me and my family. Aside from the wii, guitar hero, and the ipod touch, that my girls were surprised with, they too, took on a different and more meaningful attitude towards this holiday, in-spite of the exciting gifts they received.

I'm excited to have this next week off from school and ministry. I've needed a break for some time now. Best of all, I'm fully recovered from that stupid viral funk that hit my tummy-tum. WOW! That threw me for a few loops. The "Jingle Jam" that I directed went on after a snow delay, and was wonderful! The kids did a fabulous job! Now, I lay and wait for New Years, contemplating my next year and what I want to make of it. What about you?

Well, sweet writer friend and fellow cyber-lit-chick Nora, nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award." What an honor, seriously! It's nice to know that people see me for who I am...I hope.

As taken from Nora's explanation of the process:

"Scrap means left over, fragments, discarded material. Many times truth and honesty are discarded material, considered fragments and left over. People like us need to tell it like it is, and let the scraps fall where they will. There are 2 guidelines for receiving this award. One, you are to list 10 honest things about yourself. Make them interesting, even if you have to dig deep. Two, present the award to 7 other bloggers."

Okay, here it goes...

1. I'm 41 years young. Now, I know that that might not seem like one of the honest things to list, but, hey... how many times have we've been told that women should never admit their age? Well, I'm admitting it, and am proud to do so! I'm not ahsamed to be aging. I'm finally at a place of real contentment, courage, and confidence.
2. I tend to take on too much, making me a, "Jack of all trades and master of none." Then I get terribly frustrated with everything and everyone.
3. For someone with such a type A personality, my desk it a total mess. And there are times when I'm really busy that my house looks like it threw up on itself. (Particularly my laundry room and writing area.)
4. I've walked away from writing on three separate occasions. Just gave up on myself. But, I've recently found a renewed sense of self in my identity as a writer, and believe that the third time will be a charm.
5. I didn't meet my biological father until I was 25. I still struggle at times with it all. We are no longer in communication after a few years of trying to make it work. Sometimes, parents can be so selfish.
6. I never realized how selfish I was until I became a parent.
7. I'm a shoe whore.
8. I have no patience for perpetual stupidity. I try... really, I do. But, I've not been able to stomach it. (Especially, when I'm the one being stupid.)
9. I still miss my Grandfather so much it hurts. Especially when I want his input on my writing.
10. I think I will always wonder if I've been the best wife and mother that I could have been.

There they are. 10 honest things about myself. Now, I must nominate 7 others. Let's see... Kelly Pollack, Danette, Angela, Becca, I'll be back shortly with the others.

XOXO CJ

Oh, how I love Christmas...

2008-12-15T20:03:00.003-05:00

The brisk winds and crisp chill of the air. The honking of geese as they fly south for the winter. The faint ringing of church bells in the distance on a dark still night. The crunch of snow beneath my feet as I trudge along the whitened path. The array of colored lights reflecting their beauty off of the ice like multicolored semi-precious stones. The laughter of children as they are wound with the energy of the holidays. Christmas carols, foil-wrapped presents, and the desire to do good deeds. Holiday plays, manger scenes, and star-topped trees. Good wishes, merry spirits, and feeling the depth of love. Being loved. Celebrating a special birthday. Oh, how I love Christmas.

Sheeeeee's Baaaaaack!

2008-12-08T15:33:00.003-05:00

Hey Y'all! Got back from warm Florida a week ago and have been running and screaming like a banshee ever since.

Had a fabulous time with our families. Visited St. Augustine (one of my all-time fave places to be), savored Thanksgiving at a relaxed pace (almost forgot what the word "relax" meant), and enjoyed just taking a breath. Especially at the beach. I miss the ocean living here up north and more than two hours away. I was a spoiled Native-Floridian, never more than 30 minutes away from the fresh salty-air and beautiful white-noise of the ocean waves for most of my life. Heaven on earth is what the beach is to me. Simply delightful. But, now I'm back and returning to normalcy.

Anyhoo, needless to say, I DIDN'T make the NANO deadline. But, I will say this, although I fear the judgment of cliche', I have a beautiful beginning of an awesome manuscript with a totally fab hook. (In my humble opinion, of course.) So, I'm honestly pleased, and on my own deadline for completion of my first draft by the end of January.

I should have known that I was taking on too much by signing on to do it. But, It did force me to press in and find the next story that I was looking for. How 'bout you?

Also, I wanted to take this time to encourage you to buy books this holiday season. Some publishing houses are experiencing lay-offs and restructuring, so... BUY BOOKS! Support your fave authors, publishers, and book stores. Imagine a life in limited print. No wonderful smell of dusty pages turned by fingertips dampened by the tongue. Okay, I know it sounds dramatic, but could you imagine if publishing houses were few, and we had to rely on e-books and comp. screens to read new releases? Uggggh. No thanks! I'll save the screen for blogging and surfing. I prefer books for the reading.

XOXO CJ

Okay... here's the deal.

2008-11-16T15:00:00.004-05:00

I've missed y'all! Been REALLY busy with... well, life. I've fallen very behind in my NANO endeavor. However, I know where I'm going. So, I hope to be back on track real soon. (I've not updated my word count, UGHHHH! Need to do that, like now.)

I've had major computer issues as of late. It even made me cry for a few moments the other day. (Out of absolute frustration, I'm sure.) My laptop (where I type my NANO WIP) cord broke so now I can't charge my laptop. As I watched with horror as my battery level drained and melted away like Frosty the Snowman on a warm day, I hurriedly attempted to email myself my manuscript in order to open it up on my MAC. However, I didn't realize that my two word processing programs are not compatible. What does that mean? It means that I couldn't open my WIP on my MAC. "No comprende," Mr. Mac said. "No hablan Gateway."

Anyhoo, I now have a partial on my laptop until I can run out and buy the $105.00 cord that I need to recharge my battery (that won't be until Thursday). And, the remainder of my WIP is on my MAC. Divide and conquer. I feel like that's about what has happened to me. That and I'm still dealing with a parent at school who feels like I'm contributing to pagan rituals by having allowed the children in our preschool to paint tiny miniature pumpkins during the week of Halloween. We've still not come to an agreement. And, I don't think we will on that score. But, that's a whole other story.

However, I will say, "Push on!" That's what I'm going to do. In spite of my hectic schedule, crazy people, a house that looks like it threw up on itself, a dog who has (well, not technically on himself, but on my oriental rug in the dining room that I now get to go and clean), and all the little fleas on the dog of life that would love nothing more than to suck the blood right out of my creativity and drive. We can do this, people... whether or not you're participating in NANO, you do have a WIP that you're working on, right? Push forward. Forge ahead. Completion or bust!

Well, I have parent teacher conferences beginning tomorrow. So, I'm needing to go now, and complete the remaining student assessments (after I clean the puke stain out of my rug).

XOXO CJ

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-11-08T18:23:00.002-05:00

Yes, today is my birthday. I won't tell you how old I am, but I will say that I'm one year shy of being 21 twice. Anyhoo, I'm really excited about this birthday, because it's special in a big way. Why? Because I kept a promise to myself and attended my first writer's meet-up. That was my present to myself. Putting a fire under my bumm and participating in my writer's group.

I've been a member for 9 months now. But, I've yet to get to any meetings. That is, until today. I'm so happy with myself. It was just another small victory in my determination to re-identify myself as a writer.

There's something to say about getting to know other writers, whether they write in the same genre or not. We all have many of the same challenges, disappointments, and what-not. It's important to understand that we are not alone in this journey.

It may not seem like a "big-deal" to others. But, to me, it was. When you break enough promises that you've made to yourself, you find that you just quit making them altogether. That's where I was. I just gave up because I had lost my resolute attitude. So, when I quit making excuses, and signed up for NANO, and RSVP'd for my meet-up, and told my family that I was getting back up, brushing myself off, and going for it again, this time with all the self discipline and resolve that I could muster, I realized that I was not only making a promise to self, but to others. A sense of accountability rose within me. I would not only be disappointing myself, but I would be breaking promises to others who believe in me.

I am a writer. Writers write. It's as simple as that. Happy Birthday to me!

XOXO CJ

Ready... Set... WRITE!

2008-11-01T15:03:00.004-04:00

Okay, for those of us who are participating in NANO, today was the big day. I hope that you were able to start off with a "BANG!" I'm sitting at 1008 words so far. I'm not finished for the day, just taking a little break. I wanted to update the word ticker on the NANO site, but I can't seem to sign in. I guess there's been an influx and the server can't handle it right now.

I'm really excited about this current WIP. I have a problem though. What is it? My "inner-editor" is creeping up. I feel her. She's standing over me with her librarian spectacles, waiting and watching for grammatical errors and what-not. She and my muse are at each other's throats today. My muse loves artistic abandon. She enjoys the free-spirited writing that I had promised to give her. However, "Lady Editor" came for an unexpected visit and is determined to make me abide by the rules of proper literary etiquette. I'm hopeful that this can be a peaceful venture. The jury is still out.

How about you? Do you find that you stop yourself in the midst of a flow and correct things that honestly, could stay put until a later revision? This is my first time attempting NANO. I really thought I could just sit and write without my perfectionistic ways dominating my creative process. I'm truly a both sides of the brain type of gal. I'm 49% left and 51% right, or is it vice-versa? Does it really matter? I'm basically 50/50. And I find that my artistic side and logical side often go to war over creative control. I guess I just have to have a talk with "Lady-Editor" and let her know that I'll call her when I need her services. Until then, I'm going to have to simply "court the muse" if I'm ever going to get through this thing called NANO.

XOXO CJ

Word count update: 2238

I'll Snag the Tag!

2008-10-31T15:52:00.004-04:00

Okay, sweet cyber friend, Kelly Polark, put out the challenge for anyone who would like to snag it. What is the catch? Tell seven little known things about yourself. So, here it goes...

1. I was a cheerleading coach.
2. I was a child model and made commercials.
3. I use to pull the tails off of lizards so that I could watch them wiggle without a body. (Okay, I was only four!)
4. I still like to catch lizards when visiting family in Florida. (I don't pull their tails off anymore.)
5. I also like catching green garden snakes.
6. I love to play practical jokes.
7. I didn't meet my biological father until I was 25.

Anyone else game? Just leave a comment letting us know so that we can pop by and visit ya! Thanks, Kelly!

Okay... tomorrow is the BIG day. Those of us who are participating in NANO are gearing up for the great 50K word challenge that starts tomorrow and runs through midnight on November 30th. Good luck to us all!

XOXO CJ

KABLAM!!

2008-10-29T17:09:00.003-04:00

That was how it seemed to explode in my brain the other night, when the idea for my upcoming WIP rose to the forefront of my mind. I was sorta kinda freaking out about NANO. I was racking my gray matter to come up with something meaningful and hopefully fruitful for me as well. I normally don't have a problem coming up with ideas. I guess it was different this time because I was placing so much pressure on myself to materialize something worthwhile.

Anyhoo, I sprung up out of bed and ran into the family room where my dear hubby was watching late cable news. (I'm amazed I even made it out there as my vertigo had been really bad.) I was so excited! I just couldn't keep it in. I was afraid that I wouldn't sleep at all that night until I had emptied my thoughts out on the coffee table. The cool thing about it was that he was excited as well. We sat and talked about it, allowing more to formulate as we discussed all of the potential this story could have.

So, I guess I'm as ready for NANO as I can be at this point. I'm identifying my MC and fleshing her out. I'm researching, and thinking about the supporting cast. I'm excited, expectant, hopeful, and terrified. How 'bout you? Two days and counting...

NANO virgins... UNITE! (And those going at it, again.)

XOXO CJ

Hello... hello! I'm at a place called vertigo!

2008-10-26T19:15:00.004-04:00

Well, I didn't have the flu, or strep. What did I have? A bad infection in both of my ears. So, now I get to hear the annoying sound of bees humming in my clogged ears and fuzzy head. I've been on antibiotics since Friday. But, I've yet to get my equilibrium back. It's not fun to veer sideways when walking in a hurry. Though, I do kinda dig the trippy-dizzy feeling when I get up or turn around too fast. Just kidding. However, I should be feeling stellar in just enough time to get nauseated about NaNoWriMo. Doesn't that just figure?

I think I had a moment of temp insanity when I signed up. November is a CRAZY month for me and my family. I'm the director for our Christmas play at church, and we have quite a lot to do in November to be ready for the play (sets, costuming, drama coaching, memorizing my lines, etc.). I'll also be out of town for the full week of Thanksgiving. (Visiting family in Florida, YAY!) And, my birthday is in November! (Shameless plug. Tee! Hee!) Seriously, don't I get a day of pouting about getting older? I know it's better than the alternative. But, still, it's unnerving and harder to except that I'm getting older. Especially when I feel as though I'm getting younger. It's all so confusing!

I know that I need this... NaNoWriMo, I mean. I'm honestly, very excited. I normally have a goal of 1000 words per day when I'm in full-on "manuscript mode." That is definitely going to have to be increased if I'm going to even come close to making the 50k-word goal.

Sometimes I find that I thrive under pressure. Are any of you like that? I'm good in crisis. I didn't say that I like crisis, but I can function well while in one. (Ooops! I forgot about the Christmas program for my students at the preschool that I direct. I haven't even chosen the songs or skits yet.) Well, there it is... another official crisis. *sigh*

Well, if any of you want to buddy-up for NaNo, I'm "CJRay" over there, just like on the "blue-boards." I'm still trying to figure out how the site works. I need to take some more time and play around with the functions.

Well, six days and counting...

XOXO CJ

Uggggggh! I'm Totally Distracted By Shiny Objects!

2008-10-22T18:49:00.000-04:00

Blame it on "medicine head," (I think I may have the flu. I'm running a temp and I hurt in my bones) or "ADD," (I don't have a diagnosis... I just use it as an excuse) or my attraction to whatever is going on around me today that doesn't have anything remotely to do with actual "writing." I can't seem to settle myself down and plot ANYTHING!

I did however, get into a huge political debate with a "cyber" friend in a particular ladies forum. I normally wouldn't "go there" with regard to politics, but, I just had to... you know how it is. You read all you can stomach until you're distended, and then you end up throwing up.(Please don't ask me where I stand or who I'm voting for. I won't answer that here.) Let's just say that I "posted away" a few hours today. And where has it gotten me? I'm not totally sure. Most likely shunned at worst and at arms-length at best. I hope not, because I dig her and the others. When did it all start? Last night after a glass of red. Uh oh...

Anyhoo, I might also be slowly gearing up for NaNo in my mind. Waiting... watching... the calm before the storm. The rest before the craziness. Whatever it is, these excuses sound really good. They make me feel justified.

I do have ideas though. Not lots, just some. But, I believe good non-the-less. How are your ideas coming along? I'm really going to begin carrying my little notebook around with me again. Do you guys do that? I was amazed at what I would be inspired to write. Things would seem to fly at me begging for voice. Love that!

And, I'm waiting until after NaNo to revise a completed manuscript that I have. One that I've put away for a while. Maybe I can breathe new life into it. I don't know. Maybe I didn't go with my gut instinct enough or write with total abandon. I have a hard time "letting go" and following the flow wherever it takes me. Maybe I'm too much of a control freak. Who knows?!

The passion is there. I just tend to play it way too safe.

10 days...

XOXO

Am I the Only One Who Misses "Miss Snark?"

2008-10-21T12:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'll proudly admit that although she was the Simon Cowell of the literary world, this steeled-toe-stiletto-clad bearer of brusque brought a lot of sunshine to my cold and dreary writing days. I miss her! For all of her brutal honesty and her nasty little habit of serving up candor sprinkled with some "sassy" for good measure, I learned a lot from her. Who, pray tell, could ever take her place? No one, I'm afraid. That's great to a point, because who would ever imagine there could be two of Miss Snark? She had a gift, truly. It takes someone special to serve it up the way she did. A perfect blend of nasty and needful.

She wasn't hateful to everyone. That's what was so great! You would read through the comments on her posts just waiting for her to dump on perpetual stupidity. Okay, Okay, Okay, Ooooooooh... thats gotta hurt!

Oh how I wish she would return from time to time. Has any one read anything from her lately? Maybe, one day, we can coax her out of retirement just long enough to make us cry, for joy, of course.

XOXO CJ

I Am Writer, Read My Roar!

2008-10-20T15:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I did it! I signed up for NaNoWriMo, and I don't know whether to be fired up or puke from anxiety. I'm totally excited about it, though. I know it will be the best thing for me in order to get "back in the saddle again" after nearly two years of toying with the idea of novel writing once more. I have really missed my previous writing disciplines and schedules. And, my life has changed quite a bit since I've completed my last manuscript. However, there is always opportunity to do what you want to do, if you really want to do it bad enough. So, I guess I'm gonna be writing like a crazed person on a deadline again because, I am. And, I hope that whatever comes of it, I will be more the writer that I knew I could be.

Many of my "Blue-Boarder" friends are signed up. So, it's nice to know that I'm in such good company. It's important to encourage anyone that you know who may be participating in this thing, as it can be quite daunting, at best. If you are one, let me know and we can encourage one another and "buddy-up."

I had the most remarkable thing happen to me the other day. Well, it didn't necessarily "happen" nor was it to "me," per se. But, it was special non-the-less. My youngest daughter, who is ten, began to write her first novel. Seriously! And, it's pretty darn good, too. Seriously! And, I'm not just saying this because I'm her mother. I was really shocked at the depth of her main character and her hook was amazing for such a young person. I'm so happy for her, and must say that I'm more than a bit proud as well. The most surprising thing about it all was that it happened naturally, without any prompting from "mom." She came up with everything on her own, and decided that this was something she wanted to really do, on her own.

She said that she loved to watch me write and always felt like it was something she'd like to do. Wow! I never saw it coming, honestly. But, I'm happy that it did. So, I guess that my temper tantrums followed by brief moments of insanity, whimpering at the sight of "e-jections," yelling at the computer, banging my head on the keyboard, and stalking the mail person like a mad-woman hasn't traumatized her too much.

Phew...that's good to know.

XOXO CJ

Spinning My Wheels

2008-10-14T18:51:00.000-04:00

Okay... today I'm simply "spinning my wheels," so to speak. I know what needs to get done in order to get the job done. However, I'm so stretched with "life" that I'm in serious need of getting it all together. If you are at all like me, you would be one who suffers from "tunnel vision." I focus so intently on one task that when I'm faced with multiple obligations and responsibilities, I grow terribly frustrated. I want to get it all done quick and fast, so that I can move on to what I really want to do. I feel as though I'm tripping over myself to get to myself. If that makes any sense at all.

I'm not giving myself the luxury to "hit and miss" anymore with regard to my writing goals. I know that, for me, I have to be reading and writing in order to fuel my creative spirit and tickle my muse. That usually means writing at least 1000 words per day and reading one or more books at a time (one on the craft of writing and one that inspires me or just plain makes me feel good). The reading has not been the problem... it has been the writing.

I've had a real struggle, lately, getting back to "me," and doing the things that I used to do to be productive. I've written zilch, nada, nothing of significance in my mind. I have it in me. I feel it bubbling under the surface. Maybe I'm taking it all too seriously, afraid to make a mistake. I'm waiting for the right idea, when I shouldn't be waiting at all. It was said by an unknown individual once, "The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you didn't write." So true. I've found myself there. Oh yeah... I'm there.

I've even contributed my own "quote" on this subject, "We can be so afraid of making a mistake that we don't make anything." I guess it is time to practice what I preach. I have to push through, once more (and I'm sure it won't be the last) to the place of productiveness. Write, anything... just keep writing!

With November being the official national novel writing month (NaNoWriMo), I'm feeling like maybe I should jump on in and just do it! In case you're wondering what NaNoWriMo is, it's when those participating begin November 1st with the goal of writing a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight November 30th. I've wanted to do this for several years now. I think I'm at a good place now, fresh with no earthly idea what my next work in progress will be. Will you join me? If you're interested, check it out at www.nanowrimo.org.

Let me know if you're game!

XOXO CJ

The Determination Factor

2008-10-04T08:10:00.000-04:00

Determination, drive, decidedness, resolve, whatever the word we choose we must have it in substantive spades if we want to succeed at this thing called "writing." I've taken a few days since my last entry to reevaluate my passions and pursuits, not just in writing, but in my overall life. I had to do that in order for me to find where it is that writing fits in my life dynamic.

Being a wife, mother, teacher, preschool director, as well as assisting my husband in kid's ministry, and running my household, there has to be a "fit" for everything needful. Writing is a needful thing for me, as well of course as reading. And that my friends is where the disconnect has been for me as of late.

Samuel Johnson once said, "The greatest part of a writer's time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book."

I found that as I stopped reading, I stopped growing. I stopped visualizing the dream. The "input" factors to my creative function began to run dry. My determination and drive began to fade. It's true. You may not believe that not reading can have such an effect on us in our writing, but it does and will. The passion to write, the resolve to grow and improve and keep on fire with rapture and enthusiasm for our craft is directly related to our input. We can't output without input.

So, I've picked up my old faithful "Writing the Breakout Novel," by Donald Maass as well as those novels that make me feel good and inspire me. Like Dodie Smith's, "I Capture the Castle." One of my all time faves.

Where do I find the time to read? I look for it everywhere. I have to. Instead of TV, I curl up in my bed with a book. While I'm sitting in my car in the parent pick-up line at my daughter's school, I read. Every chance I get. And, it's made all the difference for me. I no longer feel parched. I feel as though I've had a nice long cool drink of water.

It's amazing that we know what we know, but still make the choices that we do. I knew that when I allowed reading to take a back seat, my writing would suffer. It had to. It made it all the easier to walk away. No challenges. Life is always easier when we have no challenges. But, it's the challenges that create the character within us and the drive to succeed.

So, I guess I've said all of this to simply say, if you're struggling in your writing endeavors and you're not reading... READ!

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." - Mark Twain

XOXO CJ

A New Focus

2008-09-28T18:01:00.000-04:00

"Today is a new day." We've all heard that said before. But, for me it is. You see, I've begun a new, again. A few months back, I walked away from writing (for the third time) in a year and a half.

I felt so incredibly guilty... such a loser. How could I walk away from a dream that has meant the world to me for so long? It was easy. That's the sad part. The fact that I found it so simple was a real eye opener for me. I came to a place of reevaluating my dream, and what may have brought me to such a place that I could just walk away.

Thanks to my awesome friends at the "blue-boards," I realized that I was not alone, and that I should never give up. Taking a break or a much needed time of respite, did not mean that I was a quitter. Others have gone through the same thing. Some of them, time and time again. I was just one of many. And the best part? They all had picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and were better for it.

So what? So, I hadn't finished my WIP that I had planned on completing three months ago, or revise my completed manuscript one more time. So, I hadn't queried in months. So, I hadn't blogged in a month and a half. Today was a new day.

For those of you faithful followers of my previous blog (www.cjraymer.com), it is still there, but geared toward life and it's many generalities. This one is focused on my writing and all things related. It's a cathartic thing that I believe I need to regain my "mojo" and push forward. It is my "passion pill."

XOXO CJ