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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Getting My Duckies In A Row!

Well, I sure have a lot of catching up to do. I must say that I really appreciate you all being so patient with my slacking posts. I'm going to work very hard to get back to twice weekly, and weave some more writing stuff into them when I've not much to say about health stuff.

Also, the love and support that has been shown to me during this time has blessed me and my family so much! I can't begin to tell you what it means to me. The encouragement and prayers are lifting my spirits and I feel enveloped by your thoughts. Thank you.

Hubby and I had our "tween" camp this past week. So, we had our hands full for several days. Other than that, it's just been fatigue that has been driving me crazy! It's been hard to string coherent thoughts together. In other words, I've been too tired to think!

But, think I must! Tee! Hee!

I met with my Oncologist on June 22nd. We had a very good appointment. (Two and a half hours long!) Along the way, I've been fortunate enough to have been placed with the best of the best when it comes to my medical needs. My Oncologist is no exception. Thank God!

He said there may be the possibility that the cancer spot might have been removed during the D&C! If not, he feels certain he will get everything when I have the surgery. (No pun intended! We all know he'll get EVERYTHING!) Anyhoo, that was very reassuring.

He did say that he doesn't believe that the severe endometriosis and the uterine cancer is related in any way. So, we're trying to take care of two separate issues with this surgery. My procedure is scheduled for July 21st.

I'm much better than I was. I floated around in numbness for a while. Then I had a mini-meltdown. Nothing horrible, just slightly neurotic. Had to have hubby talk me down off the ledge. (Figuratively speaking, of course!) But, after meeting with my oncologist, I feel a lot better. Especially since I'm a candidate for the DaVinci Robotic surgery. My recovery time will be cut in half! I'll only have one night in the hospital, and I'll be able to drive once I'm off narcs. (Just won't be able to lift anything over 5-10 lbs for a while.)

There's something to say about fighting the unknown. It's daunting and scary. Your mind works over-time filling itself with "what-if's" and "how come's" and "why now's?" Although, I never asked "why me?" I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, I guess. I just wanted to be sure that everyone else would be ok, and that everything was in order so that I wouldn't have a bunch of "mess" to clean up when I've recovered. It got overwhelming as we loomed closer and closer to my recovery taking place at the beginning of the school year. But, now that I'm having the DaVinci method, I'll be fully recovered by the time we're back at school. That, alone, alleviated a whole lot of stress for me. And, just being able to sit and talk with my doc helped beyond measure. It's a very good thing to have a doctor who listens. I'm blessed.

So, now I'm getting my duckies in a row, making sure that everything and everyone is taken care of while I recover. I feel like it's the calm before the storm.

I read the most beautiful quote a few weeks ago that served to bless my spirit and calm my soul. I'm not sure where it came from or who wrote it (it may be in a song). But, it was so beautiful, non-the-less.

"Life is not about trying to get through the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

My youngest has already learned this lesson. I wish I were more like her!

XOXO CJ










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I'm ready to join her!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Waves of Emotion

It's been a relatively lazy day. I've really needed the reprieve. To say that this past year has been crazy would be an absolute understatement. But, that's fine with me. I function better with deadlines and chaos.

Looking back, I'm so thankful for what I have been afforded. The wonderful opportunity to take directorship of a preschool academy in flux and turn the tide for it. As well as teaching again. That alone has been such a tremendous pleasure. And now, during the beginning of summer break, I sit. Well, not literally. Housekeeping keeps me on my toes. But, when I'm not dusting, doing laundry, etc., I am, however, finding it difficult to relax. I think along the way, I may have forgotten how to.

I'm going to need to learn how to very soon, as my pending hysterectomy will quickly be upon me.

I still find that I'm quite a bit numb at the diagnosis. I mean, I already knew that I was going to have to have a total hysterectomy when they found the complex hyperplasia. That was something I was dutifully coming to terms with. But, when you hear the "C" word, no matter how early the stage or low the grade, it's overwhelming to say the least. I'm hit by the occasional rogue wave of emotion.

I meet with my oncologist a week from today (June 22nd). From there, I imagine, he'll go through the whole process with me and hubby. At this point, I'm honestly not sure what to think or how to act. I just know that this was not what I was expecting.

Initially, I was just going through the motions. You know? Saying all the right things like, "I know I'll be fine." And, "It was found early so there's nothing to worry about." And so on. I do know that I'll be fine, but I still have emotions that are attached to this whole thing. I didn't realize just how detached I was from those feelings until just a few days ago. I don't go around all day focused on this thing called cancer. But, I do find at times that I'm a little bit uneasy about this new challenge.

It would be easy for me to just "suck it up" and deal with it. I tend to do that a lot when challenges arise. But, I think it would be bad, in the long run, if I didn't digest this process. If I didn't embrace whatever could be gleaned from this journey to wellness. It is a big deal. To me, anyway.

My sweet ten year-old has become quite clingy to me as of late. She actually asked to sleep in my bed a few nights as she wanted to just be near me. I had no idea what was going on in her young mind until she began to cry. She said with regard to my surgery, "I don't like that strangers will be handling you, Momma." That broke my heart. Children are deeper thinkers than we give them credit for.

No matter how we reassure them, no matter how much we talk and attempt to soothe, they have their own thought processes. Their own way of dealing with life's "stuff."

I'm usually a just "get 'er dun" type of person. But, I feel I run the risk of floating through the unknown, then being surprised at the outcome, if I negate the process by not giving it the thought and consideration it deserves. (Note: I may be rambling, if so, please disregard.)

Anyhoo, I am at peace. Just a little weary. Fatigue is what I seem to be battling with the most lately. That, and I'm so crampy all of the time. It will be great to have that gone for good!

This is what I'm feeling today. This is where my head is at.

XOXO CJ

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My feet, however, are in a much better state of mind.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New Twists and Turns; Still the Same Road.

Hello friends,

I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted. Things have been a bit, shall I say, crazy? Yup!

Since my last post, I've had my preschool's graduation, my daughter's graduation, and I had to have the sebaceous cyst that was located where I had the previous spider bite removed. Three weeks and I'm still healing, but healing nicely. Looks much better than I had expected it would. (Especially since I could not have stitches. It had to heal open, from the inside out.) Yukko!

Thursday, May 28th, I had my D&C. Waited with baited breath for the pathology results. Got them yesterday. The complex hyperplasia with aytpia had, in fact, turned to cancer. But, it's so early in it's change that I'll be fine. Early detection is key! So, now I will have to go to a Gyn. Oncologist for my surgery. He will have to biopsy lymph nodes during the hysterectomy to determine if anything bad has gotten into my blood stream. If so, he'll just take the bad nodes, and all should be well. My doctor has a call into the ocologist. I should be hearing from him today or tomorrow to set up our consultaion, then surgery.

To say that I'm a bit aloof and overwhelmed is a bit of an understatement. I know in my heart that everything will be fine, but, at the same time, I'm a little freaked out. Not terribly, just a minor touch of the "freak." I don't know why. I'm incredibly thankful to God that we found it so early. Six months to a year would have made a terrific difference in what my family and I would be facing. But, the fact that I have this kind of desease in my body really bothers me, deeply. I think it's more mental than anything.

When talking to my hubby about it last evening, I realized that I'm all discombobulated. This was NOT my plan at all. I wanted to just go and have an endometrial ablation, and be done with it. Down for a day, and that would be that. Little did I know back in February, when this whole journey of wellness began, that I would be facing such a different outcome. A much bigger deal with many more steps. But, it's OK. The outcome is what I'm looking forward to.

On a really great note, my precious 10 yr.-old daughter, who just graduated 5th grade, was honored with the "President's Award in Education for Academic Excellence" signed by President Obama! We were totally not expecting that. She also won her school's D.A.R.E. essay writing contest. She was presented with a medal and had to read her essay at the graduation ceremony yesterday. And, if I've not bragged and gushed enough, here's more... she was honored for being in the Honor's Chorus, a tutor of first graders, talent show, and art. She was also chosen, along with three other girls, to sing the "National Anthem."

The big deal is this... she was home-schooled until this year. Fifth grade was her first experience in public school, as I was a home-educator for eight years, having begun when our oldest was in fourth grade. What a blessing! She really went for it, big time! Yay, Boo Bear!

Well, I just had to dote a bit! Thanks for endulging me in that.

I hope all is well with you all! (Keep on writing!)

XOXO CJ

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Hey, it's summer break!

Must Reads

  • "A Long Fatal Love Chase" by Louisa May Alcott
  • "Gone With the Wind" by Margaret Mitchell
  • "I Capture the Castle" by Dodie Smith
  • "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo
  • "Rebecca" by Daphne Du Maurier
  • "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing" by M.T. Anderson
  • "The Grace Awakening" by Charles Swindoll