I was so tired today after teaching, that following school, I came right home and took a nap. I woke up thinking the following thought, "It's so easy to drift away from oneself, that before we realize it, we have become but a fragment of what we once were. We should take care not to allow that to happen." I don't always wake up with deep thoughts permeating my heart and mind. Those of you who dig my "Birdie Bizz" know that. It's just that, lately, I've been so stretched with obligations, responsibilities, and physical trials that I have dwindled myself down to a mere toothpick. At least that's how I feel.
The last thing I want to do is to be a big bummer and dump gloominess all over your sunny day. I'm just conflicted a bit about a few things. Dreams and past interests, mostly.
So, I'm looking forward to summer. I'm going to "return to me." I'm going to pick up my paints and canvas, and my embroidery, and create something beautiful again. I'm going to actually sit and read. I'm going to begin to journal again, while I take tea. I'm going to reconnect with friends that have patiently sat by as I've filled my schedule to overflowing with business.
Maybe there is a blessing in my upcoming surgery. It's going to MAKE me slow down for a bit. Maybe it will serve to get me back on track with those things that were once needful to me. The little things that aren't so little to me. They each served to revive and inspire me. I'm needing inspiration once more.
I'm needing a refreshing with regard to my writing as well. I feel a little bit like a lost soul... just wandering about, looking for direction.
I'm looking for solitude.
William Wordsworth wrote, "When from our better selves we have too long been parted... how gracious, how benign, is Solitude."
That's where I'm at. I feel as though I have been parted from my better self. Too busy to care for the ailing half (I mean in my soul, not in the physical sense). Now, I have no choice.
As far as my surgery, well, I've had a bit of an ordeal. The spider bite that came back to haunt me caused my D&C to be canceled, due to fear of an infection. Therefore, I don't yet have a new date scheduled for the D&C. So, that pushes back hearing from pathology, which pushes back my hysterectomy, which pushes back my recovery time. Hopefully, not into the beginning of next school year. Ug! So, now I sit here with my antibiotics (two days worth, left to take), waiting to hear from my surgeon as to when we can get back on track.
I am laughing through my tears, though. Truly, I am. We have to keep a sense of humor when things don't go the way we've planned. (I so hate not being the one in control.)
Choosing to stay cool and relaxed
in the midst of total chaos.