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Monday, May 18, 2009

The Needful Things

I was so tired today after teaching, that following school, I came right home and took a nap. I woke up thinking the following thought, "It's so easy to drift away from oneself, that before we realize it, we have become but a fragment of what we once were. We should take care not to allow that to happen." I don't always wake up with deep thoughts permeating my heart and mind. Those of you who dig my "Birdie Bizz" know that. It's just that, lately, I've been so stretched with obligations, responsibilities, and physical trials that I have dwindled myself down to a mere toothpick. At least that's how I feel.

The last thing I want to do is to be a big bummer and dump gloominess all over your sunny day. I'm just conflicted a bit about a few things. Dreams and past interests, mostly.

So, I'm looking forward to summer. I'm going to "return to me." I'm going to pick up my paints and canvas, and my embroidery, and create something beautiful again. I'm going to actually sit and read. I'm going to begin to journal again, while I take tea. I'm going to reconnect with friends that have patiently sat by as I've filled my schedule to overflowing with business.

Maybe there is a blessing in my upcoming surgery. It's going to MAKE me slow down for a bit. Maybe it will serve to get me back on track with those things that were once needful to me. The little things that aren't so little to me. They each served to revive and inspire me. I'm needing inspiration once more.

I'm needing a refreshing with regard to my writing as well. I feel a little bit like a lost soul... just wandering about, looking for direction.

I'm looking for solitude.

William Wordsworth wrote, "When from our better selves we have too long been parted... how gracious, how benign, is Solitude."

That's where I'm at. I feel as though I have been parted from my better self. Too busy to care for the ailing half (I mean in my soul, not in the physical sense). Now, I have no choice.

As far as my surgery, well, I've had a bit of an ordeal. The spider bite that came back to haunt me caused my D&C to be canceled, due to fear of an infection. Therefore, I don't yet have a new date scheduled for the D&C. So, that pushes back hearing from pathology, which pushes back my hysterectomy, which pushes back my recovery time. Hopefully, not into the beginning of next school year. Ug! So, now I sit here with my antibiotics (two days worth, left to take), waiting to hear from my surgeon as to when we can get back on track.

I am laughing through my tears, though. Truly, I am. We have to keep a sense of humor when things don't go the way we've planned. (I so hate not being the one in control.)

XOXO,

CJ

Shoe Mood:








Choosing to stay cool and relaxed
in the midst of total chaos.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Spider bites, D&C's, and all that good stuff!

Okay... so I went for my pre-operative appointment on Monday for my D&C which was scheduled for tomorrow, Thursday. Now, it wasn't the blood-work or discussion about the general anesthetic that bothered me. No... it was the fact that I can't wear any make-up into surgery. And, if that were not enough, I have to remove my nose piercing. Ug! Do they realize how much work it took for me to get this stupid nose stud in, in the first place? Once I pop it out, I won't be able to get it back in! You want to talk about pain? Pushing a little tiny bar with a stud on one end and a ball on the other through a teeny little hole on the side of your nose is painful. Especially when the ball that is used to hold the bar in your piercing is larger than the hole itself. Are you kidding me?! No, they weren't.

On a lighter, slightly more humorous note, as the nurse was drawing my blood, and was at the end ready to remove the needle, she dropped the sterile pad that she had wanted to put on my arm. She just stood there for a moment, pondering. Then, realizing that she had considered all other options in her mind, asked me if I wouldn't mind holding the needle in place while she went to fetch a new sterile pad. "Sure," I said. It wasn't like I was going to go anywhere. Certainly not with a needle hanging out of my vein. That could cause a whole lot of trouble and unwanted rumors. So, there I sat, holding the needle in my arm as she walked across the room to grab another sterile pad.

On a not so funny or lighter note, while at the pre-op appointment, I asked the nurse to look at a place where I had once been bitten by an ugly spider. The bite was five years ago, mind you. But, three years ago, the bite site became inflamed and very swollen. I ended up having a staph infection due to the poison from the bite. Well, after antibiotics and several hot compresses later, it "relieved" itself. Other than a yucky little lumpy scar, I hadn't thought twice about it in years. Then, not five days ago, I ended up with a red and swollen bite site once more. Seems it wasn't finished with me yet. So, while I was at the pre-op appointment, they highly suggested that I have my General Practitioner look at it again. Needless to say, my D&C was canceled due to fear of re-occurring staph. I had to have my GP okay me for the the D&C in order to reinstate the surgery date and time, but by the time I got in to see him late yesterday, my surgery slot was taken. Now, I wait for a new date and to find out whether or not my surgeon will allow me to take these new antibiotics from my GP to heal this stupid bite! (Because you are not supposed to have any meds in your system 5-7 days prior to surgery.)

And, if this were not enough, my GP told me that once I "get through" all of this D&C and hysterectomy stuff, I need to have the bite site surgically removed as it looks as though it has rested in a gland. (Did I mention that the bite site is on my breast?!)

Anyhoo, here I sit. I have to laugh. Just like the day I found out that I was needing a hysterectomy. It was our 23rd wedding anniversary. I said to my precious hubby, "Happy Anniversary, Sweetie. Now, let's go talk to the doc about having my uterus taken out!"

Sometimes you just have to find humor in the daunting things. If you don't, you'll go stark raving mad.

XOXO CJ

P.S. I just want to thank so many of you who have wished me well and expressed such love and concern towards me. It really blesses me! (((HUGS)))

Shoe Mood:






I choose to smile, even though I really want to cry!
But, how can you cry when you're wearing these?
Hmmmm?

Thursday, May 7, 2009

When Does a Blog Get Too Personal? Now, Maybe?

Okay, I know I've not been blogging as much as usual. I've been trying to, but I've so much to say, and not sure what to do about it. So, I've ended up keeping to myself over the last few weeks.

I've kinda been going through something and I've been debating over the past few days about what is appropriate to share and what is not? What would be sharing my heart and what would be taking readers somewhere that they may just not want to go?

I've decided to share my heart. I hope it's not too much info, but, I'm a writer. This is what writers do... right? (Pun totally intended!)

Well, this is the deal...

After several months of increasing physical problems, I had a biopsy done about two weeks ago. I met with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss the results. I was told that I have what's called "complex hyperplasia with atypia." It's a more concerning type of precancerous stage that will need more aggressive medical treatment, close monitoring, and surgical intervention. My husband and I then met with the surgeon yesterday. I'm needing to have a complete hysterectomy, not only because of the current findings, but because of my past medical history as well. About fifteen years ago I had stage four dysplasia (the stage before cervical cancer). And, if that were not enough, I have severe endometreosis. I've had that battle since I was seventeen years old.

The concern is that although the biopsy didn't show cancer, it was a small sample, and there could still be cancerous spots present. If there are, that will change the dynamic of the hysterectomy. Lymph nodes will have to be removed then as well. I have to have a D&C within the next few weeks. The D&C sample will be sent to pathology for a result. That will determine if there is any cancer present and the stage of the atypia (pre-cancer). Then, after the pathology report comes back, we will set the date for the hysterectomy.

I'm 41 years old. This is a big deal... no, actually, it's huge. But, I have a peace and know in my heart that everything will be fine. I was reassured by the doctor that even if there is cancer present, it would be slow moving, and with taking the lymph nodes, I can be sure that there will not be a re-occurrence.

I'm a wee bit overwhelmed. But, as usual, I'll be fine. God is faithful. Always has been to me.

You may be asking why I would share this with you all, especially as I have men who follow my blog as well? All I can say is that I felt compelled to do this. I had originally determined to only share with a few. But, how could I encourage others in that? I thought I could possibly help other women who are finding themselves at the same or similar place as myself. And, for those who may have already walked this walk, they could be cheerleaders to the rest of us along the way.

Needless to say, my "writing" blog will, for the next little while, be about one young woman's journey through a complete hysterectomy, and coming out at the end happier, healthier, and much wiser for the wear. I know that this post may seem somewhat sterile. Just a whole bunch of info thrown out at you. But, that's where I am right at this moment. Regurgitating information, as I'm still a little bit numb. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I can reach for the other side of this thing. I know I'll be better off when it's all said and done. I can sense that much.

I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me. I just want to know that I can have the liberty to express what needs to be for my well being. A chart, if you will, of my progress, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to that place of total wellness.

I don't know how long it will be before I get back to blogging about writing. I imagine there will be some veining of it here and there. But, for the most part, at least until I get through to the other side of this thing, it will be about the journey to a healthy me.

I love you guys!

XOXO CJ

Shoe Mood:










"Better to kick you in the shins with, my dear!"
Nothing is going to keep me down!












Monday, May 4, 2009

Birdie Bizz Volume 2














You'll have to click to enlarge.

Shoe Mood:







Some days you've just gotta laugh.
Today is one of those days.

Must Reads

  • "A Long Fatal Love Chase" by Louisa May Alcott
  • "Gone With the Wind" by Margaret Mitchell
  • "I Capture the Castle" by Dodie Smith
  • "Les Miserables" by Victor Hugo
  • "Rebecca" by Daphne Du Maurier
  • "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing" by M.T. Anderson
  • "The Grace Awakening" by Charles Swindoll